I realise we're still going to have an argument, or at least a long conversation about everything that happened between dinner at Jonathan's and the time I got back. Steven looks just as exhausted as I am. Maybe he doesn't want to argue right now. And maybe I can take advantage of that before it turns into angry silence altogether.
"I missed the funeral."
"Yes, but they managed without you," he smiled a little. He's sitting in an armchair next to the fireplace, way too far away from me. And all this time, he looks like a lot more has happened. I feel like he hasn't even slept during those two days. And he just keeps talking about how much I scared him and he couldn't do anything to stop it. As if I got myself into that cell on purpose. As if I wanted to make him feel bad.
"Were you there?" I asked quietly.
"I was," he replied dryly.
"And what,"
"It was a funeral, An," he interrupted my question. "Even with all the honours and speeches, it's still a pretty dull affair. You haven't missed a thing." this probably isn't a topic he wants to talk about. But I'm honestly interested. Jasce was still a member of my Council, and I was supposed to be there and say goodbye, like the others.
"Why are you in that chair? I don't want to be alone." and I mean it. "I miss your warmth." the words softened him. He got up and came to me, but he is still holding back. "What's wrong?"
"You should get some sleep, we can talk in the morning," he bent down to stroke my cheek, but didn't lay down next to me. At least he plans to be here in the morning. Whatever he wants to talk about.
"Talk to me now, please." his silence pains me. Maybe he's going to tell me he doesn't want to go on. Maybe he's about to leave. The fact I am basically a walking corpse scared him a lot. And the two days of waiting for my return may have convinced him that his life is much easier without me. Which it definitely is, no matter what being Steeles means, it must be easier than Hale. Maybe he wanted to make sure I was okay and then leave.
My throat tightened at the thought. I don't want him to leave.
Steven shook his head. He finally sat down next to me, but said nothing. He bit his lip instead. What is he thinking about? "Steven?"
"I don't want to talk," he laid down on the pillow, waiting for me to lay my head next to him before he added. "I just want to be eone with this."
I can hear his heartbeat, it's not as calm and slow as usual. It doesn't calm me down one bit. "I love you, Steven," I whispered. I know if I don't fall asleep soon, I'll cry. And something tells me I would only hurt him more. Or I would hurt myseld. And it would just make things worse.
I woke up in an empty bed, my only company being the hot rays of the sun rising to the sky. I welcome it as a pleasant change after waking up to the mountain sun behind a screen of clouds and then on cold stones. Definitely an improvement.
According to the clock on the wall, it's only eight in the morning, but Steven is already gone. My guess -at least for an hour now. It can mean that something is wrong, and it can also mean that he just needs to be somewhere else. He always gets up so annoyingly early. As if the world couldn't wait a couple more minutes. For once, solve its own problems… why am I getting angry, I would do the same.
I knocked vigorously on the bright door in the seemingly never-ending corridor filled with similar doors. If it weren't for the coloured paintings, one could stop orienting here and quickly get lost. Why do we have the need of huge Palaces and mansions? It's not like we're that big of a family.
Ethan looks much better, rested and neat. I asked Remis to prepare two piles of clothes for him. I'm not surprised he chose a dark uniform instead of civilian clothes. He says he can't go back, but he can't give it up either.
"Ready?"
"I'm not sure what I should be ready for," I grabbed his hand with a slight smile.
After all official matters had been settled, the newly assigned prison commander was to lead us to the cells. Walking through the long, austere corridors, he tried to explain to me what had happened to the old commander, whose name and description told me nothing. Why should it? It is not within my competence to take care of everything personally or to be interested in it. If he left, it was either because he was too old or he couldn't stand it here. I wouldn't be surprised by either. And more importantly I don't care. I simplay don't have the capacity.
What baffled me is the assigned man didn't close his mouth for a moment. Maybe he's trying to impress me with his knowledge of prison, protocols, laws... But the truth is he's trying too much for nothing. After five hundred years, nothing like this impresses me. Certainly not the precepts and quotes I know by heart just because I look at them almost daily.
My attention is focused on Ethan. I wonder what he will do to a man who brutally robbed him of his family, his good reputation, and about two years of his life. He might as well kill him and I'd let him get out of here, but I have a feeling he won't. Major Ethan Rees is a lot of things, but a cold-blooded killer isn't one of them. And the man he is about to visit is already in handcuffs and on his knees.
The talkative man stopped in one of the corridors a few steps ahead of us. "We're almost there. It's the last door on the left."
"Give the major your keys to the cell and take a little break," I said without looking at him. I'm counting which cell it is. I came to number seven. That's never good.
"I can't do that, Your Majesty," he protested quickly. Perhaps he thinks I'm testing him. "our protocol mandates that I be present at all times." with each word, he annoys me more and more.
"That's not a request," I replied calmly. I turned my gaze to him for a moment. For some reason, this makes people more nervous than when I'm yelling at them.
The man rattled a bunch of keys and handed it to Ethan with the correct key first. Then he turned and disappeared from my sight with quick steps. I nodded to Ethan and turned to leave. As curious as I am, I know he doesn't need an audience for this.
In the morning, before I went to see Ethan, I went through the whole report again. His testimony should have clarified everything. The first one -the only one- he filed as soon as he was apprehended. He said it was his fault, but he wasn't trying to confess to the murder. It didn't sound like a confession at all. Just as the testimony of someone who has lost everything and blames only himself.
And some idiot deduced he had confessed.
What were the words he used? He worked late into the night, lingering on one of the pateols. He got home late, much later than usual, but the light inside was still on. The door was open and the furniture scattered. He found his wife's body just moments before the guard appeared.
Ethan got into a fight with them. He wounded several men, nearly killing two of them before he could get to his daughter's body. Just before one of the guards stunned him. And then he finally got to say his part. I can't get one part of his testimony out of my mind. It's all my fault. I fought for the Light, I gave it everything, and this is my reward. A reward for my service, for not being able to save anyone. Therefore, I will forever remain lost in darkness.
He regrets ever surrendering himself to my ministry. He sacrificed everything for my country. For me, to disappoint him in the end. I disappointed him.
My Light.
Like thousands of other people every day. How can anyone still believe in this? In me?
It only took him a few minutes.l, but a completely different man came out of the dark cell.
Whatever absolution Ethan was looking for, I can only guess he found it there. With his head held high, he walked past me, stretching fingers on his hand. Bloodied knuckles indicate he didn't stop at words.
He walked outside the building.
Greyrock Prison stands like most others on a remote island, surrounded by rocky, sharp promontories and as far as the eye can see by a dark, ice cold ocean. The simple, angular building has only one task and so far it has done well in its fulfilment.
Ethan stopped at a simple railing whose purpose must be primarily aesthetic. Neither visitors nor staff come here, so no one would fall off the rock anyway. At least no one important. The raging waves below us crash into light stones. Drops spray all the way up here. "All this time I thought, I found this bastard and I'll kill him." his grey eyes staring at me. "And I apologised to him instead," he laughed incredulously. "do you get it?"
"What happened?"
"He's not a soldier, he's not... he's still a boy. A fool who sought revenge. He fought at the border and had the misfortune of ending up under my command in Plucas. He survived the massacre and decided I had come up with the orders myself. I had them all murdered there... the whole city." he paused for a moment. He turned his gaze to the ocean. "I knew it was the wrong order and I didn't say anything. I obeyed, believing like a total idiot that they had it all thought out. They knew what they were doing," he shook his head. His heart told him to do it differently, he followed his reason and paid more for it than the others. "I failed him as a commander and as a person. The hero Rees, who let everyone die."
"Ethan, you can't," I stretched out my hand to him.
"I can, it's my fault. The boy was in Plucas, I should have left him there. Burn down with all his damn family in that fucking town. But I couldn't help it. I told myself that I had to save at least someone. One of those under my command." his hands tremble, as does his voice. "I thought it would make some sense then, it would be worth something. And where did that get me?"
"The whole thing wasn't worth much back then," I summarised after a moment. Light up a cigarette. They tried with half of the ill-prepared army to secure the border from the fanatic army of those who reject magic, while the other half tried to get people to safety. And everything escalated in Plucas. "If Peter had listened to me, things would have turned out differently. If I was there... you may blame yourself, but you should blame me or any other Heir. We left Zessia in the hands of a bureaucrat. My whole family." Peter is best at taking care of Alryne and its immediate surroundings, but the whole country, the main part of the empire, was too much for him. Before he knew anything was happening, the enemy was already standing on the border, ready to attack.
"You're right, I should blame you, all of you. I did it, but not because of some stupid war," he straightened, his grey eyes tearing away from the spilling waves. "There are statues of you everywhere, we are taught as children that you are the Light. You're supposed to be here with us as long as we believe!" he fumed. "And I believed all of it! As a child, as a commander, as a father! I taught my little girl to believe. As long as the last ray of hope is shining, she will never be alone. And where were you when he killed her, huh?" he slammed his clenched fist into the railing. "Where the fuck have you been? What did the Child of Light have so important to do?"
I looked away from the angry eyes, back to the angular building. I could have made something up and I could have told him the truth, but neither is important. I know from experience no one wants to hear that. "You said you blamed me, as if it's in the past. What's changed?"
"Just a few days ago, I would have happily blamed you. But then I met you. And all my assumptions about you and the whole family were gone," I looked back at him. "you've been talking to me as an equal all this time. You didn't give me a single order. And I slowly realised the statues are just statues. Pieces of worked stone. You're more real than I ever expected," he ran a hand through his hair in light of lamps almost orange and leaned against the railing again. "but what got me was your father when we got back. Amongst all the people in that room, it was so easy to find him. He seemed so upset until he saw you. I never thought of him that way. I mean the chants make it pretty clear, but what I saw… he was just afraid of losing his daughter. More than a piece of stone ever could."
"He always treats me like a little kid," his answer surprised me, though. Most people are content to blame the Immortals and are not interested in anything else. They can't admit that some things are their own fault. Although he doesn't fit that category.
"That is why you took the crown?" he asked thoughtfully after a while.
"Not just because of that." I tried to smile, as did Ethan. The scar on his face spoils the whole impression a little, but I know he means it. "It was my turn anyway. And I've avoided it for like two hundred years, so…"
"No way." he blurted out in surprise. "As if two centuries were nothing!" he chuckled quietly. "So what changed your mind? After all this time, did you just figure it’s time? War aside, Zessia is and I think always has been the most beautiful country. I wouldn't want to grow up anywhere else. Who wouldn't want to rule it?"
"It's a beautiful and big country, with a lot of people who look up to you. And they're expecting you to lead them. I couldn't get my own life in order for a long time. And then I was put in charge of the Fifth." the cold railing becomes colder the longer I observe the high white waves. "And after that I led the strongest army this world has ever known. I didn't want to give it up, not even for the Sun Crown. And then everything calmed down and there was no reason not to have both, or so Stephan claims." a gust of wind sent hair to my face. I let them fly in the air without taking my eyes off the ocean. "Stephan always does what is expected of him, so he just accepted his duty. Damien has his own story about how he conquered Eagaveli and realised that in order to continue protecting it, it has to join Zessia, so he could rule them together. Jonathan has his own story about how he wanted to have a big and happy family in Nerkam. A family he could change the whole world with, like his father before him. And each one of them describes it as some kind of a call," I said to Ethan. "I just ran out of patience. The world is always the same, there's no call."
"That sounds the most reasonable," he said with a slight smile. "You don't want to prove anything to yourself, you're just doing your job. I like that."
"There aren't many people like you, are there?" I like him, I realised looking into the grey eyes. I like his view of the world and his willingness to reconsider his own opinions. That's pretty rare. "Shall we go get the Blonde?"
Emmett's apartment looks exactly as I remember it. The tall windows with heavy, dark curtains on the sides, he never closes. Not even when he has a hangover or he's in a bad mood. Dark floors and walls accentuate colourful furniture, such as the turquoise sofa with pink cushions and the yellow armchairs. I will never believe he chose the furniture himself and didn’t just lose a bet. The wolves wear dark colours, always. And he bitches at every light colour. So, how did he get to this?
"Ans, I wasn't expecting you," he stood up with a smile on his broken lip. Another bruise is under his eye, I wonder what or who got in his way. I almost asked when the hazel eyes averted. He inspected my escort. It reminded me why I'm here.
"Is she here?" I asked, perhaps a little too reservedly.
Emmett nodded, looking at the closed door. Ethan headed for it. "What do you think you're doing!?" he shouted. He tried to take a step toward Ethan, but stood still. I decided not to let him intervene this time. Even if I had to kill her here in front of him.
"She'll come with me."
"Where to and why?" he tries to sound as calm as I am, but he isn't at all. He was always terribly impulsive.
"Why? One day she shows up and someone kidnaps me right away? A fucking coincidence."
"You're wrong! She was with me all day. You saw she stayed there," he’s not even trying to break the spell. He must believe that his worse half is innocent. "Besides, why would she kidnap you? For who?"
"I don't know, I woke up in Narral in a cell with a man saying a blonde got him there. Maybe she felt like I would be the highlight of her career." from the bottom of my heart, I hate mages who kill other mages just for stupid propaganda and money. Although, Catarina is hard to count as a mage. The only magic she can put together slows down her ageing, and she's not good at that either.
"She's not working for them," it seems to me he doesn't believe it. Just repeats the learnt saying.
"Really? And when did she come back?"
"She's been helping us find you," he brushed over my question.
"Right, because you did find me." I wonder how she masked the tracks of my ring. Damien said it only took him to Narral, not any closer. "I disappeared in Aré, and you didn't even notice," a loud bang drowned out my accusations, and the sound of shattering glass was complemented by Emmett's curse.
A moment later, two figures appeared in the doorway. Catarina was the first to go with her hands behind her back and an exasperated expression. Behind her is Ethan with a triumphant smile. "This isn't her," he finally said. "but I'd welcome a warning that she has a fucking whip!"
"Will you let me go?" asked Emmett with a crooked smile. The fact he was right is obviously enough satisfaction for him. I released the spell, he came closer to me. "I'm sorry about what happened and I'm really glad you're okay, but let her go," he laughed, taking a few steps towards Blonde so he could help her out of Ethan's grasp.
"Do you truly believe she has nothing to do with it?"
"I truly do, I think you're getting a little paranoid," he checked her before turning to me. "It's not Cat's fault every time. You should at least consider it."
"Well, why not?" I snapped. "In the end, I'm the one who ends up with a bullet in the chest."
"What did I do this time?" Blonde protested angrily.
"The same as always." you're a traitor, I added to myself. I disappeared with Ethan from his apartment. Part of me is furious because I was wrong. I wanted to have a good divis to get rid of her for good. The other is grateful I don't have to hurt Emmett more.
We appeared in a dark room, a row of lit torches with a yellow flame illuminating the wooden walls. They resemble a log cabin, long forgotten and far from civilization, even though we are still in the Capitol. The best bars don't have to have shining signboards or extravagant furnishings. The red banners tell me I'm home and that's all I need to know. It's been working for five hundred years and I'm not going to change anything. I love this place.
"That was awkward." Ethan laughed nervously, gently rubbing his bruised knuckles as he sat down at the table on the long bench.
"I was sure she was part of it," it made perfect sense. So where did I go wrong?
I sat down too, looked at his hand, and pulled it to me. "What are you doing?"
"Calm down," I don't know why I'm telling him, I can calm him down myself. I should. "your hand looks terrible." the joints are already dark purple in colour, the skin has torn in several places. I gently touched one of the joints. I feel the heat flowing in. Small wounds closed, bruises faded and disappeared.
"Why?" he asked in amazement. Two shots appeared on the table in front of us. One of the reasons this is my favourite place is that nobody asks any questions here. Not even service. Alcohol just appeared with a box of cigars.
"Do you smoke?" Ethan shook his head. I lit my fingers. Everything is so strange today. Nothing goes according to my plans. "Catarina worked for the Dishonests. She claims to have nothing to do with them anymore, but no one just walks away from them. Not quite. Someone across our country is using magic for something particularly perverse. And everything points to Narral. You said you would recognized the woman and I trust you. It's just Catarina... I haven't seen her for several years, and then she appears. The very day I was kidnapped. Thanks to Emmett, she is safe here, even though there is a warrant for her. And her personal hobby is to get on my nerves. Does that make sense?"
"I guess so," he checked his hand for the umpteenth time. In the end, he contented with joining his hands together on the tabletop. "If it wasn't her, it could still be another member of that crazy order."
"Well, that's reassuring. It's quite a big order." I blew out a puff of smoke and watched it disappear before my eyes.
"Hmm... I guess it is," he nodded. "Tell me something, you're probably the only one who really knows the answer," he began, focusing on his own hands.
"The answer to what?" I prompted. I know a lot of answers to a lot of questions.
"Where are they? Where did they end up? My wife and daughter? Are they on the other side?" he asked the questions so quickly, as if afraid he would change his mind in the process.
"I doubt it," grey eyes lifted to me as if on cue. The look in them is desperate, disappointed. "A Dun'Amanh, or as you call it, the other side, is just one of the worlds, a transfer station. The souls who remain there are waiting, trying to come to terms with their own actions. They are looking for peace. But there is another place, for those who do not have to look for anything like that. For those who deserve nothing but true peace," I smiled slightly. Despair was replaced by confusion. "It's hard to describe, it's not a place like this. It's not based physically... it's different. Try to remember the feeling when you were truly happy, when there was no but, only joy. There's only that feeling in that place." I gave him a little moment to try to imagine it. "They're right there. Nothing can hurt them again, nothing bothers them there." in other words, it is paradise. A place I'll never get to permanently.
"That's good, very good," he kicked a shot of transparent liquid in and stood up, ready to leave. "anyway, you're probably in for a lot of work, Your Mage."
"My what now?" what happened to my name? Ethan just shrugged. "Do you know where you're going? Will you return to service?"
"I... I'm not sure if I can. I think I need a change."
"I think so. How about you join the Guard?"
"You want to make me a guard?" he exhaled, obviously surprised. He sat back down, the offer scaring him. The only way to become a member of the guard is an invitation from a member of the royal family. And I really like Ethan, I just don't really want another guardsman.
"The Guard needs a new commander. You'd fit with them perfectly." Ethan opened his mouth in surprise. He tapped his fingers on the table top and took care of the second shot of vodka on the table.
"You have the wrong person," he added simply.
"I don't think so," he stood up again with a laugh. I waited for him to take a few steps. "Ethan, when you change your mind," I tossed him a lion-headed coin. He caught it and laughed again on the way out.
I know he will be back. I just don't know when.
I slowly inhaled the thick smoke, as I exhaled it, I watched the white clouds rise to the wooden ceiling, where they stopped and dissipated. After some time, I have a moment to myself, I don't have to think about anything. I don't have to deal with anything. I don't have to do anything. I can only watch the smoke and wait for a new problem to appear and attract my attention.
The burning torches went out, the room got colder. The whole atmosphere changed. A newly arrived young man with long black hair in a white suit changed it. He took off his hood and sat down next to me. His light skin matches the suit perfectly, while his dark, almost black eyes look out of place. One could get completely lost in them.
"Daniel, we haven't seen each other in a while. I'd hug you, but," I smiled mischievously at my old friend. "well… you know."
"Really nice to see you too. We almost met a few months ago, and while I appreciate our friendship, I'm glad our meeting was postponed." his velvety voice permeates my entire body. It is his most valuable tool, with its help he leads people to give up the only thing they have left in the end. Their lives.
"Did Thalus send you?"
"No, and he'll probably soon realise what I'm doing here," he smiled slightly. Dark eyes fixed on one of the torches filled with doubt. The burning flame almost disappeared, only to flare-up brightly the next moment.
"What exactly are you doing here, Daniel?" I guess he came for a reason other than playing with decorations.
"I want you to listen to me and not interrupt." black eyes returned to me, full of concern. It terrifies me to think of what he sees there. "My job is to make sure that you and your family can bypass death. Return and continue your ministry for as long as necessary. But there are rules... I've had enough, it's time for the rules to change.
It was not one person who entered A Dun'Amanh that day, but two. I can't answer your questions, but I need you to understand. When you understand that, you'll understand everything." the torch he had looked at earlier burns brightly. I'm almost starting to worry this whole building will catch on fire.
"So that I understand what?" I asked cautiously. I don't like where this conversation is going.
"You and I, well... my predecessor, you should have met only once. Back then in the library, when you were a child, something in that library delayed our meeting, changed your destiny, if you will. Someone has changed everything. And there are still answers waiting for you." Daniel finished his speech and simply vanished in a cloud of black smoke. As if nothing was at stake.
The torch went out completely. "Perfect."
I sat there for a good while, trying to figure out what he had actually told me. According to him, I should have died as a child. Burn along all the books. Which seems overly dramatic to me, but I guess whoever was behind it at the time wanted to make sure the Immortals didn't get to me. Not in time. But how is it supposed to help me with the fact that two people passed that night? Damn, I have to go to the library.
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