I stopped at an iron door on the wall of a long, multi-story building. At first glance is separated from all others by the dark stone it’s built of. The substitute for the white stone is a wrought lion's head with seven rays behind it. To make it clear to everyone that this building has its place here. And the people in there us.
I'd give anything not to have to walk in right now. But I can't put it off. I closed my eyes and leaned against the heavy door. They opened with ease.
I was welcomed by a spacious hall with a number of statues of my ancestors. Newly as the last in line is my statue, just as stiff and drenched in gold as the others. I hate my own portrayal and it doesn't matter how masterful it is. I can hardly get rid off them, but I just don’t see the need for new ones. I nodded sadly in greeting to the stony faces of my family as I passed by.
Twelve men sit at a long wooden table in the guard's dining room, the empty space between them seems out of place. It's a large room divided across by wooden beams, with several shields hanging on the walls that belonged to the former commanders of the Guard. Each of them looks a little different, the curvature and wear changed, some are almost falling apart and others didn't even make it to battle, but they are all clearly connected by our emblem. I walked around the long table, in a complete silence. Every step on the wooden planks is so loud. It makes it all even harder.
Opposite the empty chair waiting for me hangs a giant portrait of my grandfather in a golden frame. He proudly looks down at the room as if we all belong to him. The long table, all the chairs, every damn glass and plate on the desk. Every person around the table. I can't avoid the look of dark eyes no matter what I do. And I hate it.
Mainly for one thing -the golden frame of a man who started all- has a single line of text on it: 'For victory!'. A proud motto of the whole family. Because, as everyone knows, we never lose. And in moments like this, I gladly curse the picture and my grandfather with it. Our words are one thing, our actions another.
Cayden is waiting for me with a glass ready, just as he promised. I took it and stopped next to my chair. The red upholstery looks tempting, but I didn't sit down. The others are standing, waiting for me to say something. I hate these speeches, I can never prepare for them and everything I say seems meaningless. "They say every man in the Guard has some talent. And I think we can all agree Lukas' was to bend the rules in his own favour. How else to explain someone who was kicked out of the army because he made fun of his own commander ended up here with us. And although I didn't expect him to be able to complete his training, he did damn well.
I only became interested in him after Communion. He was one of the few who managed to win, naturally I expected him to celebrate. Instead, I found him a short time after hitting one of the practice dummies. Until then I hadn't seen him without a stupid smile on his face, but at that moment he was standing there with a serious expression as he said, if I lost, I would have a good excuse, I could improve and stay in the shadows, maybe get kicked out in time, but I won. And then the guy who was making fun of everything knelt down and swore an oath to me." the first tear rolled down, and another followed. I could choose from dozens of stories, but I feel like this one describes him best. A joker who found the meaning of life in the service of lions.
"It's strange most people will remember today as a solemn day, as a new beginning. And even if some of them remember some library collapsed, only we will remember a friend, a brother, we lost today." I raised the glass. "Whom we will honour exactly the way only WE can!"
Cayden handed me the gold bracelet worn by every member of the Guard. They receive it during Communion to the Order, the full real name of the member is on it. A name that no one hears until the person dies and their bracelet is taken off. And the same name will then end up on the memorial, whole and unchanged. "It was an honour to fight alongside you, Lukas Cole Bennett."
"Fight for victory!" shouted the others as we all drank.
I sat down, finding my hands shaking. I returned the bracelet to Cayden as quickly as I could. Today was… fucked. I should have guessed it when I ran into Zaik in the morning. The guy is a harbinger of the apocalypse. Always.
I drank the brandy slowly as the others started talking to each other. Gradually, bowls and plates full of food appeared, going completely beyond me. And all this time Hamilton watched me from the other side of the table. I should ask if he's angry or just not in the mood.
"Should we prepare for war?" asked Junior suddenly. All conversations fell silent, as twelve pair of eyes fixed on me.
"It's hard to say," I answered honestly, drinking again. Alcohol clouds the brain, but loosens the tongue or so they say. "War requires an enemy, and I'm not sure who or what we're up against right now. Riley had already sent orders to reinforce patrols across the empire. And once the Council is complete, we will meet with the generals. I'm going to need you there, Hamilton."
"We should raise your patrol." Hamilton looks at me, twirling Lukas' bracelet in his hand. At the sight of this thing, I have to drink again. I didn't ask Cayden what exactly happened. I think it's easy to deduce. These things are fast and nobody expected them there. I didn't warn them. And it all ended up in a disaster.
"No way. I already have a lot of work with jump from place to place. I don't have time to explain to you where I'm going, when and why. Your work will remain the same as always, two at the bedroom, two ready to leave with me. Anytime." silence prolonged. Only a few of them nodded. But not Hamilton.
"What about the king?" asked Michael. He sits between Yess and Miles, who are so much older it makes him look even younger than he really is.
"I wouldn't be sitting here if something happened to him. And neither would you," I finished the brandy in a tall glass. "He's a bloody idiot," I slammed my fist on the table. "he almost gets himself killed, the first day with a crown on his head. That's a really brilliant approach to ruling. For fuck sake!"
"He'd need his own guard," Dex suggested. His special talent is to hit the nail on the head, but always at the worst time.
"But no ordinary guard can match us!" shouted Junior from the other side of the table. He drank the full tall glass at once, leaned back in his chair, and who knows at what he started laughing.
"Then it's settled! We'll carry a wolf on our chest," Kaleb added with a laugh.
"We need a king here in the South anyway!" they tease me. I had to laugh too. It's probably all the alcohol, but I find it an interesting idea. Steven with the Sun Crown. I'd wear his, for a change. Silver and cold as the North.
I let them joke for a while. Their loud and sometimes funny remarks filled all the space I have in my head. There’s no capacity for other thoughts, which is exactly what I need. Fill all the space. Immediately afterwards, I listened to several stories in which Lukas acted as the main character. My favourite is his journey through a crowded bazaar to catch a perfectly innocent little girl. I drank a few more glasses and then slipped out of the dining room. I hoped I'd be drunk enough that no coherent thoughts could come back and terrorize me late at night. Several centuries of drinking have mitigated the effects of alcohol on my body, though. Or maybe it’s all the dying, I can never tell.
The cool evening breeze blew my unkempt hair. I stopped in front of the wooden fence bordering the training grounds, pulled out a cigarette and lit it. I should quit smoking before I end up like Jonathan, but there's something about it that attracts me. It's like a ritual, soothing ruffled nerves. I blew out a puff of smoke and watched it rise to the stars, slowly and calmly. There is not a cloud in the sky that stands in the way of the smoky curls.
I heard footsteps approaching, I didn't look back. Cayden staggered, landed awkwardly on the fence next to me and straightened up with great effort. "Today was a fucking shit show! Noticed how badly that black shit is coming off the uniform?"
"Keep complaining, I'll bring you mine." another puff of smoke rises up. I’m trying to remember what the constellation above our heads is. Dragon? Seven stars arranged in a straight line and three that intersect it in another, almost perpendicularly. Jonathan always told me stories about the stars, and I always listened intently. Not because I was interested in the story, but because I like his voice. Deep and melodic. He'd read me stories from a small red book he always brought after he came home from a business trip.
"You know I'd do anything for you, Andrea, but… I've never seen anything so violent. It didn't even stop when I cut off it's hand. Like it's nothing. And it just threw itself at him. I should have done something, but..." Cayden snapped me out of my memories.
"You'd just join him," I muttered. I know determination is not lacking in these things and that they will stop at nothing. Death is the next stop for them anyway. So what’s there to loose?
"I guess so, but still. How can we fight that." Cayden slammed his fist into the fence we were both leaning against. I noticed he’s holding an almost empty bottle of brandy in his other hand. He took a sip, his gaze turning to me. I took the bottle from him, just to be sure. "We're going to need better weapons."
"No, weapons are fine. Trust me," I drew in the smoke, considering the answer for a moment. "You just need better technique. Something..."
"Cayden, get back inside," the Commander's firm voice ended our conversation. Cayden obediently turned and slipped out of my field of vision. A moment later, Hamilton appeared. "We need to talk."
"We're already talking." another gust of wind tore my hair into my face, I put a cigarette in my mouth and tucked the strands in between the high collar of my coat, at least those high thingies are good for something.
"I want to quit," he got out after a while of pleasant silence.
"I know," I pulled the cigarette out of my mouth and let it burn in my hand. Hamilton watches me with narrowed eyes. "You left the military with all honours a few years ago, just to be drawn back by Jonathan. You don't want to be part of another war. I get it, really."
"You would never have chosen me as a commander yourself," his smile disappeared. He looked sadly at to the training ground. Deacon is a soldier with every inch of his body, but unlike the rest of the Guard, he has a family to return to. I don't blame him for wanting to come back in one whole piece.
"No," I confirmed. "but you're the best commander I could ask for, Deacon."
"You're not that bad either. I expected it to be much wilder. You know, you have a reputation as the Heiress and all. Bloody reputation." we both laughed. The beginning of our cooperation was complicated, he didn't like me and I didn't trust him. And neither of us chose the other. "Thomas could replace me."
"Not yet, he's not ready to lead the Guard." although it annoys me when someone argues with me, I need commanders openly express their opinions and stand by them. Thomas would give in to me on everything, or at least seek a compromise.
"In that case, let me know when you find someone. Until then, I'd keep quiet about this," he said quietly, adjusting his uniform. I nodded. I realised with horror I can't think of anyone better. "One more thing," he hesitated, pulling out a gold bracelet from his pocket.
I reached out to it, almost taking it from Hamilton, but changed my mind. The image of a dead friend's torn throat flashed before my eyes. "I'll skip it."
"You must be tired of it." Hamilton lowered his gaze. "I mean, losing people around over and over, knowing it would inevitably come anyway."
"Well, it's definitely one point of view. But, I think the time I can spend with others is just the only thing that matters. People come and go, but in the end you only remember those who brought something into your life. Like Lukas, the guardsman who convinced me even a bad joke could make me laugh." I bypassed the commander and headed for the road back. "Be so kind as to see each of them hits the bed. No matter how drunk and let them sober up tomorrow."
Illuminated path leads back to the left wing of the Palace. I can't imagine having to stand in front of the guard again in the morning and hand over Lukas' bracelet. I can't hold back my tears even now. I wiped them again. This is a terrible day. The watch on my hand shows almost midnight, I can't wait for it to end.
The walk helped me clear my head a bit. The only clues I have lead to Narral, as soon as I have a complete Council, I will officially send someone there. And as soon as I get my hands on a pen, I send someone there unofficially. That sounds like a solid start to a plan. It will help me find out who is behind it and then I can start to deal with the whole thing.
I walked into the building, a statue of my grandfather drenched in gold looking at me. Just like the picture before. It can't be avoided. He's everywhere. I stopped at his portrait. I can't help but admire how much the statue resembles him. "Just so you know, we don't always win. If we would, you'd be running this fucking mess. But you just had to leave us to it, didn't you? All for your bloody Heirs." feeling satisfied, I turned and headed upstairs. A long and demanding climb to the second floor awaits me.
The red-carpeted stairs annoy me. There's more of them than usual, they keep rising and they don't stop anywhere. They make fun of me. They don't want to let me all the way up. Finally, I stopped at the first rest stop. Three more such paths ahead... that's a lot of work. I'm tired, I want my bed. Now. I'm fed up with walking.
"Hi," said a low, deep voice behind me. Terrified, I almost jumped. I didn't expect anyone to be at my place this late.
"You do understand the concept of a bed, right?" I turned to face Steven, who's sitting in an armchair by the fireplace. I hoped -apparently in vain- to postpone our conversation. Looking into the darkened green eyes, I know there's no chance. I dreaded meeting him all evening. I can't imagine my own reaction. I'm angry with him for how careless he is, how he is taking unnecessary risks, and deciding not to include me in his plans. I'm angry with myself for the same reasons and how I feel about it. I'm tired, exhausted physically and emotionally, and I'm not in the mood to argue with him about anything.
"Aren't you glad I'm here?" I'm not, and he knows it damn well.
"I'm tired."
"Yeah, me too," he straightened. I can see his face is so much harder now, his sharp features look like they're carved out of stone, as cold as his voice. "but I thought you might want to see me anyway."
"Don't get me wrong, I am glad you're here, Steven. I just said goodbye to a good friend," I looked sadly at the bed. I'm not going back there just like that. I took off my coat and sat down in the chair across him. "I'm just not in the mood to talk. Not even to you."
"An, I'm sorry for what happened to him. Truly..." he paused, there's a but. Of course, there is a but.
"...but?" I urged him quietly.
"You had no business there, Tayonne is in the middle of Athran and as far as I know, far away from your borders." I don't like the haughty tone he took. Fatigue seems to be replaced by anger.
"I had no business there? Do you really want me to remind you who the fuck you're talking to? You answer to the Heirs like the others and follow our orders like everyone else. And getting killed on your first day in the office was definitely not one of our orders!" I stood up sharply, he didn't even blink. I try to speak as calmly as possible, I hate when I have to raise my voice or shout.
"I honestly don't give a shit about who you think you are. I serve the Light like others, but that's where it ends! Athran belongs to me! The affairs of my country concern me, not you. They're my decisions!"
"Do you have any idea how dangerous this decision of yours was? And how stupid? You should have stayed away and let me sort it out! What do you think you're doing?"
"WHAT DO I think I'm doing?" I haven't seen him this angry before. I never saw him angry, actually. Most of the time, he's just as calm, or at least plays the same game I do. People like the two of us can't just yell at everyone around, but at each other? There are no rules for that. "Like it's not bad enough that everything today went sideways, and when I go talk to you, you're playing with Emmett. I wake up and who's going to tell me you're long gone? Emmett!" he stood up too, not so sharply, but his exasperated tone playfully compensated. He's jealous of his own brother without me giving him a reason for it. We were just talking. "If you could find a minute for me, you'd know I've had that stupid book since yesterday in Dithune!"
"You have…"
How…?
I took a sharp breath. I need to think it through. He took a step towards me, I backed away. I need space to breathe. "It wasn't there at all, you let me go there for nothing!" I swept the long hair that fallen to my face. "You didn't have to go there either!" he took another step towards me. I have nowhere to go, the fireplace is right behind me. I feel the heat. And I have to look up when he's so close to me. Otherwise, my eyes are somewhere at the height of his shoulders.
"I didn't want you to go there. I asked for the opposite," he said in a calmer voice. He reached out his hand to me in a conciliatory manner. "you should have been here. Safe."
"Well, that's just great..." I laughed in disbelief. It makes me so angry that I have to look up. I clenched my fist to gain some control over my own behaviour. And he stands here and has the audacity to accuse me! He risks everything like a complete idiot! "You scared me to death, for nothing! I can’t die, I don't need to be safe!" I punched him in the chest, he didn't even move. I expected to be relieved if I did so. I'm not. It just reminded me of the whole scene again. It’s as if I’m flying through the air again, hitting hard rocks that took away my breath. "I thought," I sobbed, hitting him again. I need to get away from the idea of a lifeless body. "I lost you." tears are streaming down my cheeks again. "Before I could tell you that..." I wanted to look at him, I could only follow my fist. I clenched them again, I don't have the strength to hit him again. "I love you."
He caught me before I half collapsed into his arms. I snuggled up to him. It's just too much for one day. Despite all the encounters with people I didn't want to talk to, despite all the smiles, fake or genuine, and all the memories that add to the repertoire of my nightmares. Despite all that has happened, all that matters is that he is here with me. In the end, it's not even that hard to tell him how I feel about him. I was actually relieved. "It wasn't for nothing, you know? You came to save me," he whispered, kissing my hair gently.
"I didn't know you were there until he told me."
With a sigh, he pulled away. I thought he just wanted to hear the simple truth, but that's not the case. I can see it in his face. He bit his lip. I guessed what he wants to ask. At least I'll keep my promise. "I need to know what's between you and Emmett," that cold voice again.
"We're friends, besties, but I guess you didn't ask that." suddenly, a wave of heat washed over me. Steven brushed his hair back and sat down. I stood still. "It's an awfully long story," which he might’ve appreciated if it hadn't been his brother.
Steven sticks to his new stony expression, I've never seen him like this. And he'd never been silent for so long. So, just starting from scratch might be the best idea, maybe I'll get somewhere. "After some time I returned to Nerkam. Jonathan and I hadn't spoken for several years, and when we reconciled, he wanted to celebrate. Business as usual... I didn't like it at all, but I had no choice. I didn't want to get into another argument and he looked excited I was back. Anyway, he invited absolutely everyone there and I spent a large part of the evening avoiding most of the guests.
I had no idea Edgar would be there, let alone his sons. I haven’t seen the younger one till then, but he couldn't be mistaken for anyone else among all the people. I don’t think I planned on talking to him. We just ran into each other and got introduced, as was expected of us. He was so boring when I met him." I had to laugh at the memory. He was so innocent and obedient, perfect little wolf. "He only talked about Edgar and how everything annoyed him, but instead of telling him, he subordinated to him in everything. It seemed stupid, but I could understand why he wasn't arguing with him. It's just so hard to work with him even without it." why am I explaining this part to him? After all, he works with him, too. Or he used to, till today.
"I told Emmett I was going to Lemford for about a month and he could join. If he wanted to get some rest, clear his head. I asked more out of politeness, but he seemed to like the idea. He talked about travelling in such a strange way." he still does it, he's travelled all over our world and a few others, and even after all that, his passion hasn't changed. "The next morning we waited in the harbour with the crew. But he didn't show up. So I set sail alone. I thought he had just returned to his life and put travelling aside," I smiled at the memory again. There was a burning desire in his eyes to travel, but at the time I thought he was too scared to try.
"So you've given him that idea?" he asked suddenly.
"I wouldn't say," I shook my head, Steven frowned. "he was in the port the same morning, but he said he realised he doesn't want to be supervised and would rather discover something on his own.
About two years later, I ran into Emmett in Carcatou. He was like a different person. Full of life and with lots of stories, he didn't shut up for a moment, he just churned out one after another. It was quite a pleasant change. He had returned from the other side of the continent and wanted to travel more than ever. Which was perfect. At that time I was going back and forth, mainly outside the continent. Emmett wanted to join in, and even Edgar thought it was a good idea.
At first we just had fun, he became a pretty good companion and, to my surprise, he was better at establishing diplomatic relations than I was. We drank our way through most of the cities, delivered all the news and orders, and took care of a few mages who had gone astray. Surprisingly, it worked for some time. Until I had to go back to Nerkam and stay there," I sat down, misjudging the extent of my story. "And then it got complicated. We both had enough responsibilities and until then we were just having fun. He wasn't interested in what Immortality meant to me. He didn't want to know about all the ugly things, and I liked it that way. In Nerkam, that changed. War was coming, and with it came my duties as one of the Heirs. I was busy with the Fifth Army. And Em didn't like it because he was bored waiting for me. We talked about it a lot, and finally decided he would temporarily join the Fifth as one of the commanders and I would keep an eye on him.
It was sometime before the Great Revolution, and I welcomed any help. Emmett was an incredibly popular commander as he is now, and I could count on him. Everything worked so well it was only a matter of time before something happened. And it did. We got into trouble quickly, they surrounded us, we lost more than half of the unit and they wounded him. From which he has that big scar on his back. The wound wasn't that deep, but he was losing blood fast. And you can imagine the horror when I found out I couldn't heal him. Not like the others."
Steven leaned back in his chair, closer to me. Elbows resting on his knees, his chin rests in his hands. "Emmett had to go back to Athran, but I couldn't. The army was ready, and so were the enemies. Between arguments, he tried to prove to everyone that he doesn't need protection. He seek out danger just to prove something to himself or to us, I’m still not sure. That made things worse. And when he disappeared for a few days, I had to choose whether to hand over command to someone or stay there. Of course I went looking for him. Which resulted in an even bigger mess. The Fifth has only one commander, and that was me, Jonathan was furious when he had to return to the head of that army. Even Damien was so pissed back then.
I was preparing for the worst, no one had any idea where he was. It took me a whole day to put all his clues together. Just to find out he hadn't disappeared anywhere. He had been waiting at Lemford the whole time, apparently knowing if I came, it was a good sign. And then he proposed to me." Steven flinched when he heard the words. I felt my stomach clench, I turned my gaze to the burning fireplace. There is no other way to tell him.
"I should never have agreed to it, but I was so scared and then I found him and felt the opposite. So I just agreed to it in the hope everything would go back to where it was. The only problem was I apparently chose to live with him, without everything else. Emmett convinced himself it was best if we left Nerkam, the country, continent... I tried to explain to him I couldn't walk away from who I am. That I can't stop being one of the Heirs just for him, and the only solution is for him to join us. He would be Immortal like the rest of the family, taking his place amongst the Heirs." I'm starting to feel sick. Maybe because of all the alcohol I drank. Maybe because of all those memories. Emmett was so stubbornly convinced there’s nothing more important than the two of us. He didn't want to save the world or continue to build the Legacy with me. It just wasn’t going anywhere, even if neither of us wanted to admit it. I looked at Steven, his gaze didn't change, but he nodded. I wiped away a tear and laughed. "It seemed perfectly logical, but he didn't agree, never. And when he tried to explain how overrated Immortality is, we got into a completely meaningless skirmish we had absolutely nothing to do with, he acted like a cocky idiot. I tried to defend him and died in his place. And when I came back, he told me if we just left, none of this would happen…
And then we couldn't fix it. I couldn't pretend to be someone else. Not even because of him. And he refused to understand it. Then we went to that stupid bridge, I gave him the ring back and he let me go. He disappeared. This time completely, and when he returned, Blonde was with him. After it was clear we would always be just friends." not because he stopped loving me. But because he betrayed me. He chose her.
"Why didn't he want to be Immortal?" he asked quietly.
"Because besides the fact you can't die, it has a lot of disadvantages. Like you can't die. It never ends. You're always fighting, watching others get older and move on, they have a life of their own, and you fight instead of them, so they have a chance… and it goes and goes." he seems more relaxed, still supporting his head. He no longer grits his teeth, but still frowns. "It's not something you can take back." he's still silent, damn it. I don't enjoy guessing how he feels and what he's thinking. "Are you jealous of Em?"
"You behave differently when you're with him, even talk differently about him," he straightened up in his chair, putting his hands behind his head and leaning back. "just like him, when he talks about you, it's strange. It's like there's still something between you two."
"There will always be something between us. He's not Immortal, but he's part of my family, part of my life. That's never going to change." I need him to understand. Emmett may be his brother, but he means so much more to me. Steven closed his eyes, I watched him for a moment. The muscles under the clothes tensed. "You didn't answer my question."
"I don't know, An." he opened his eyes. The pupils immediately contracted, making more room for green. "I should get back." Steven stood up, stretched, and offered me his hand.
"Is that all? Aren’t you interested in anything else?" I didn't expect him to ask for all the details, but I don't believe that's the end.
"You're answering all my questions, but there are questions I don't want to know the answer to. It's best if I don't ask." it sounds reasonable, but it's not. I understand why he doesn't want to ask those questions, but I also realise he can't just pick the nice things and claim he really knows me. And judging by the sad look in his eyes, he realises too. "Shall we go?"
I took a breath to tell him that it would be much more comfortable to stay warm in the South than to move to the cold North, but I given up.
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