"An," I began. Her beautiful eyes waited intently for the next part of my questions. Sometimes I felt she must have had enough, but she never complains. "what is immortality like?" I asked, still holding her close. She was half on top of me when the smile disappeared from her lips.
“I’m not sure, how to answer that, Steven. I can barely remember what it was like to be just an ordinary mortal. And I’m not even sure, how much has changed. I’d like to think, there’s not much, but,” I’m interested in knowing what has changed. If I’ve done it, what would change? Would this moment still have felt perfect? Calm and peaceful? It has to. She has to feel the same way I do. She belongs with me. It’s the only thing I’m sure about. “take all these scars.” She lifted her hand, just on her forearm there’s about ten scars, that just added to one, that has already been there. Some of them are smaller, thin, long, some go deeper. There’s over a hundred of them, all over her body. And every single one of them scares me. “I used to be a lot more careful as a mortal, because there was always someone to remind me.” I stroked her hands, the scars slowly receding. I never quite understood how she does it, that she could control them like that. I guess it's part of what's keeping her alive. "It's comforting to know that you have all the time in the world to yourself, but it's also scary to think that it's never going to end. Death is no hindrance at once, the fast-paced and eternal peace, whatever it may be, no longer exists for me." she added after a moment. I lay still, only able to think that I didn't want it to ever end -- this what we have -- it could go on forever. Why change anything?
"What's death like?" I finally asked something I couldn't sleep with, a few quiet minutes later. She sat up sharply but didn't look at me.
She didn't answer immediately, clenching her jaw and then her fists. She remembered something that annoyed her again. "He's quite alright most of the time, but he's got a real problem right now." and replied to something else entirely. Sometimes it’s very hard to know what she’s talking about.
"What do you mean? No wait, I know exactly." I got upset, now comes the part where she disappears. And my perfect moment disappears with her. "You remembered something, and now you have to disappear, probably for a few more days! And as an explanation, it's going to have to suffice that you just have to do it because it's your job."
She looked me in the eye, I'm sure I'm burning with rage. She annoys me so much about how she always disappears without explanation. I need to know what she's doing and not imagine the worst all the time. And she can mention how long she thinks it will take. She owes me at least that. A strand of my hair dared to separate from the others, and I immediately put it back in. "I don't know what you expect from me. It's my job." she said calmly. "You know that.“ I’m so fucking tired of arguing with her about this.
"Is this a joke?" how calm she was made me feel even more prodded.
"I don't want to involve you in things that would endanger you unnecessarily." she replied. That finished the whole thing, I stood up. I have to remind myself that she hates it when I raise my voice. It makes it easier to argue with her. She never screams herself, and she's much more intimidating when she speaks in that icy voice.
I don't argue with her often. We both have so little time left that if we spent what we had left arguing, we'd end up on zero. And most of the time, we agree quickly. This leaving of her has continued to drive me crazy, and I'm sick of backing down. She was asking for my help this morning, and we were doing great. And now everything's back to the way it was? No way!
"We need to clear something up.“ I went back to her and knelt down and carefully took her hand. My expression changed, with urgency and desire to find answers alternated with despair. I'm tired of her protecting me and putting me on the back burner. It hurts, I want to be there for her, not wait for her at home like a dutiful pet. I should be with her no matter what. "If I wanted to be safe, I'd stay home, I wouldn't even think about taking the crown. If I didn't want you to drag me into those things, I wouldn't be asking you, in fact, I probably wouldn't even be here anymore. I'd go on living my life without you. Far from all your craziness. I didn't have to go to Ecrana with you today... Damn, I love you, An. But you're going to have to make a choice, either you want me in your world, all the way, or there's no point in going on about it. I’m tired of it." I said firmly. The fact that I had to say it out loud hurt me more than the stupid dagger. I want our perfect moment, not this argument. And I want her to finally understand that I'm not a defenceless kid and I don't need her help every step of the way.
"You would do it, wouldn't you? Just become an Immortal, I mean…" she asked instead of answering. I don't understand why it's so hard for her to accept the idea of me staying with her. I love her more than anything. More than my own, mortal life with an expiration date that's approaching, fast.
"If you'd asked me to, sure.“ I assured her, without a trace of doubt in my voice. I don't know exactly when it happened or how, but since then I just can't bear to part with the thought that one of us would have to be without the other. In fact, it probably was from the very beginning. After that night in Alryne, I tried to tell myself that it was just a physical attraction, that I just liked every single aspect of her perfect body, and I wanted to keep it to myself for a while. But with every passing second, we spent together, every single conversation and everyone, undisturbed moment, drew me even closer to her. And there's no reason why I should give it up, now or any time after that.
"And if I can't ask you to?" she asked, tears in her eyes. "You find it simple, the decision, but it's not. You don't understand what you'd be in for yet. Giving up your own life is not so simple, choosing Immortality and rejecting everything else is terribly exhausting." she replied softly. It's the most honest answer I've ever had. It's not what I want. For the first time, I understood what she was up to. I was hurting her with the way I’m pushing her. It slowly dawned on me that she wasn't ready for me to decide.
"Then I'll stay with you until you change your mind. “ I said in a soothing voice, my thumb brushing away the tear on her cheek. "But you have to leave out all the secrecy, I hate it.
"I love you, Steven, but I’m not going to change my mind." she whispered, fresh tears welling up in her eyes. I got them there myself. I made her cry, though I had no intention of doing so. That’s great.
"Just let me fucking help you." I whispered. "And don't be so stubborn all the time." she put her arms around me, more tears kept coming. I've selfishly pulled myself together, she needs to understand that I'm part of her life now, that I'm going to be part of her life. Without the ridiculous secrecy. It's the only way it can work for us "So where were you going?" I asked, after she had calmed down a little. The question amused her, she has to give me the credit for not giving up.
"Promise you’re not going to freak out.“ I rolled my eyes and nodded. What could have been so bad that I started freaking out? Is she going to endanger her life again? That irritates me, but I didn't freak out about it. Or does she want to endanger mine? That's why she freaks out, not me. "You're lying, but fine. Sit down. Remember that red diary?“ I nodded again, terrified by the book. It contained the thoughts of the man who built everything around us, and she refers to it only as a diary. A book that's not even remotely interesting. "I knew the others were looking for ir, but I never thought why. Five hundred years isn't long enough to find the answers to everything…" I take the opposite view, it's a hell of a long time, but she sees time differently. A year or two was lost to her as days were lost to me. It's a completely different kind of luxury, out of reach for me. "Thanks to that diary, it became clear who his true successor was. The one my grandfather chose. And to everyone's surprise, it's me... their beloved Child of Light.“ as if trying to prove the truth of her words, a brilliant ball of warm, golden light appeared in her hand. The Light under whose laws we’re all living. The Light we turned to when we needed help to guide us and give us hope. The lights that symbolized life and death for all of us, and everything that came after it.
I reached out cautiously to her, the ball beaming brighter, as if it was reacting to me, warming both of us. It filled the room with a serene atmosphere, pausing time around us and transmitting to us a little of the otherworldly aura that surrounded Immortals. I bit my lip, painfully enough to make sure I wasn't sleeping, and this isn't just a dream. It would be a rather strange dream, but far more believable than reality. It makes sense to me that she's his successor, that's what everyone's always talked about. Only nobody ever mentioned the one ability that created everything around it passing to her.
I regarded her with a whole new look, terrified and full of appreciation. Mostly terrified, though. Andrea is more than just an Heiress. She is everything, she has the power, that’s lectured on in universities and sung about in temples. The power that created the world as I know it. I lifted my finger to ask a question but changed my mind several times in a row. No question seems good enough, smart enough, I don't know, worthy of herself. What does that even mean for me? And for her? Until now, I've seen her as Immortal, someone who follows those rules of theirs. Because she was born to continue it, like me. Now she could dictate the rules herself. Change them. She could do anything. It went far beyond anything I could comprehend. "Okay, you can freak out, just say something." she urged me. I didn't have anything to say. There’s nothing to say.
"You... that means… that's a weird kind promotion…" I finished my thought at last. I’m trying to understand it, but I can't. I can't understand it and figure out what it means. "What does that mean?"
“I don't know, Steven,” she smiled, mostly to reassure me. I know this smile very well. "It just means I'm replacing my grandfather." she frowned in confusion, no more understanding it herself than I do. She panics as much as I do. She can't just replace him. That changes everything. "I know what's expected of me… I understand it, I just don't know how…" I hugged her before she could finish the thought. "I don't know how to continue creating his Legacy. I have the same power as him. That's just crazy. I'm so much more different than he was, I’m not like him, I don't want to change because of it. I don't want it to change me. I'm afraid... I'm going to let everybody down."
I don't want her to change, to feel like she must change, even if it seems inevitable. I don't want her to worry. She can never let me down. "I don't know what you're in for, I..." I had to think about it. It's completely insane. She buried her head in my chest. She was breathing softly while I tried to come up with the right words. Any words. Anything would be better than silence. But telling her a simple 'everything will be all right' felt like a lie. "I don't care what others expect of you. I know for a fact that you will always be my Anie to me. That can't change anything." I kissed her hair. 'You'll always be the most amazing person I've ever had the chance to know. To me, you'll be just like I knew you. Absolutely perfect. I think that's why you're so special because you have everything the rest of us need. The compassion and love we lack, the rules we follow and the justice we badly need. I wouldn't change one thing."
"Not one?" she asked, doubtfully.
"Not a single one." I confirmed. Everything about her, even her faults, seemed perfect. And if she didn't have those, I'd miss them quite a bit. "You can never let me down."
"You don't know that."
"I can believe it, that's the point, isn't it?“ I asked, An raised her head, looked at me in puzzlement. I've always believed in her, and I always will. She has the best chance of us all to change things around us. "Whatever happens, I can promise you one thing. I'll always be there for you and I'm not going anywhere."
"I'd be more reassured if you'd just lie a little… but just thinking I can do it means everything to me." she rose and reached out to me. "So, get up, I've got to talk to Daniel, he's…" she stopped and thought. Who the heck is Daniel? "It doesn't matter, I'll introduce you and then you'll understand, just don't touch him."
The hot air in the gardens is barely moving, the sun is nearing the top of the golden roof of the giant palace's citadel, and here it is unbearable. Not even the old gazebo under which we had stopped had saved us from its searing rays. Stone columns are surrounded by a vine with large leaves, which I can't name, but I've certainly seen it somewhere before. Maybe in Alryne, that town is trying to compete with Nerkam. It wasn't a cleverly conceived structure, the beams above us are too far apart for the plant to bridge and the shadow it provides is so poor. It's hard to tell whether an architect or a gardener made a mistake here. I'd rather bet on the architect.
I leaned against one of the posts. I insisted on getting changed before I met this Daniel, whoever he is, she insisted I wear something that fit snugly for the South. I insisted on dark clothing, she on colourful, but the final compromise was a white shirt and a lot of blue.
A strong gust of wind turned the large, green leaves of the vine, and a few of them tore loose and flew away with a rustle. The rays of the setting sun suddenly darkened, but nothing clouded it. Only the atmosphere of the place changed, as if something was sucking the life out of it. "Do you have to do it absolutely every time?" Andrea asked, annoyed.
"Yes, absolutely, I have some legends to live up to, if you know, what I mean." said the man in front of me, in a velvety voice, irresistibly velvety. He's wearing a white suit that contrasts with his dark hair. I quickly straightened up and walked over to her.
"No, I can't imagine how awful it must be to listen to all those legends of your own person and then see the disappointment in the eyes of people who see you as an ordinary person." she looked into her friend's dark eyes and added dryly. "At least until you knock them off their feet, just with a look.”
The man opposite us smiled, shrugging. His dark eyes found me, he looked at me blankly, it is not pleasant at all. "Where our manners are, I'm sure the Heiress has told you much about me, but nothing replaces a face-to-face meeting, where you can make up your own mind, let me introduce myself. My name is Daniel. I assumed we'd meet a little later, but things are always changing around the Immortals. Not even death can be sure enough." death? Did he really say death? He had to say it. It has to be him. It's one of the things I've always tried to stamp out. I know someone is physically supervising the dying and Immortals have cast him as death, I just didn't realize I'd ever meet him. And now he's standing in front of me, that's just perfect.
"She didn't really tell me anything." I said, taking a step toward Daniel, An promptly grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back to her. Instinctively, Daniel took a step back. I frowned, she said not to touch him, but I didn't think she meant it. "What are you? You're obviously not a mage.”
"No, I'm not. I wouldn't insist on a name." the setting sun shone in Daniel's back; his already dark eyes now seemed completely black. They stared at me again. It gives me the chills. The guy terrifies me, who knows why, I found it terribly uncomfortable to stand just a short distance from him. "Life is special, unpredictable and precious in every way, but it couldn't exist without me," he took a few steps toward us. He stopped and stretched out his hand to the large green leaf, gently touching it. Immediately after that, he pulled his hand away again, all three of us were left watching the leaf dry before our eyes. I was the only one present who was genuinely surprised and frightened at the same time. He didn't do anything, he just touched it. "but people don't want to understand that new life needs its place." as Daniel spoke, the whole plant withered, long tendrils, one by one losing colour, moisture, and life. "My main duty, however, lays with the Immortals, should they perhaps visit A Dun'Amanh or a similar place, I am their guide, companion and servant."
"You mean it's your job to get us out of there as quickly as possible." said An, Daniel nodded and took a step back. She turned herself standing between me and Daniel. Probably so I wouldn't accidentally touch him, because then I'd end up like that plant. More or less.
"You don't have to protect him from me. I can't break the rules.” continued Daniel calmly. Rules? In the end, dying seems quite complicated. I'm beginning to understand, the fact that she’s standing between us is comforting me. It's more than just a feeling. He could kill me with one touch. I don't like the idea at all. Whatever the rules, I don't want to play this game.
"Glad to hear it, I thought the rules didn't apply to you now." she replied coldly. Maybe I'll find out why he's in trouble.
"I just wanted to change them. I thought you'd be happy to know the truth."
"So, you risked everything selflessly? I'm surprised Jonathan let you go at all; your predecessor wasn't so lucky. The rules are there for a reason and breaking them always has consequences. You can't have one without the other, but you're right in essence." she calmed down so much that she took her hands off me, her icy voice remaining. "Thalus will be furious," she added thoughtfully. He doesn't like breaking the rules as much as she does. He strictly follows almost all the rules I know.
"Well, that's more your problem than mine, isn't it?" the look of dark eyes returned to her.
"Don't count on it, Daniel. You know how much he loves the old rules and the fact that you're still here doesn't change anything. Whatever he comes up with, you submit to him. You have broken our rules, no matter the intention. You should avoid this world and Jonathan for a while. I'll talk to Thalus about it, calm him down." she said firmly. Daniel frowned, just as the wind had picked up before. "It will give you enough time to think, you can try to figure out what the two of you were doing there." what two?
"Don't we have the people to do it?" he asked annoyedly. Outside of this world, he probably doesn't like it very much, judging by his expression.
"I'm not sure I believe them, or I want to explain myself. And since you love to help me." in her place, I wouldn't trust him either.
Something about him worries me. Something makes me not believe him. I was beginning to understand, both were deadly serious about everything they said. Deadly... funny, who knows how much time I have left here? A few weeks before our little war starts? Maybe less. And then the end. But he must know something about it. That's kind of what my father said, that's why Fate is in the Senate. One cannot work without the other. They report to him who will die and how and he is already waiting for them. "Do you know anything about the vision?" I asked in the silence, both looked at me with the look. "Do you know when I'm going to die?"
"I should know, but as I said, not even death can be certain near the Immortals," he smiled one last time, and disappeared with another gust of wind.
"That’s a no?" I asked, confused. Should I slowly prepare for his face to be the last thing I see? Black eyes and unnaturally white skin? These are amazing prospects. I hope death is quick.
Andrea frowned, silently making her way out of the gardens. "He was alluding to what I had been saying from the beginning. Daniel knows what will happen in advance. Mostly. We make his job a lot more difficult. You can't believe the vision that any of us are in. Too much can change before you get to the point where you have to make a decision." she continued to frown at the tiny pebbles on the way between the large, perfectly cut bushes.
"Why does he keep talking about you in the plural? It was just you in that vision."
“Daniel doesn't follow a single vision." she replied after a moment. "Everything changes all the time, especially around me, but any one of us can intervene, and the slightest decision can theoretically turn everything around. I'm not sure how to explain it properly, it's quite complicated. There are several theories that describe it in detail," Andrea looked at me, raising one of her eyebrows as if wondering if it was worth describing theories. "I guess you just need to know that anything can change. Anytime."
"So, there's some chance I'll live to see the end of this war.“ there was that surprised look of hers again. "I'm not an idiot, what else would make father behave the way he does?“ it’s more of a rhetorical question, because she could definitely list other things for me. She shrugged and frowned at the path again.
"Edgar thinks I can change that." the paved road replaced tiny stones; trimmed shrubs made way for large red-leaved trees. We are almost at the Palace. I'm used to the fact that she doesn't talk much unless I ask her a question, but I don't like this silence one bit. This silence is different. Oppressive.
"That doesn't seem fair. How could you do such a thing?“ how she can change a future on her own in which I probably won't live to see another year. My father is a firm believer in that, and she doubts it, too. She has a lot more information than I do. I just have to keep making assumptions and guessing things. And she's not even trying to convince me to join her. Maybe it's because she knows it's completely useless, because it's not going to change anything. Maybe it's just too late for me. She decided to spend the time I had left and then say goodbye to me.
I stopped where I was. If even Andrea believes my life is coming to an unstoppable end, then what hope do I have? Why am I trying? I might as well wrap it up. If I'm lucky, I might still spend some time with her. A few last undisturbed evenings. And after that, it's time for hers anytime. And if I'm not lucky, I'll wrap it up sooner.
She stopped as well, she had to realize that she was walking alone. She turned, her brown hair shining in the rays of the setting sun. It is absolutely perfect. she doesn't fit south, not with her dark eyes and perfectly snow-white skin, and yet this place is an inseparable part of her. At least in my imagination. These gardens, the sun, and the brilliant white palace. If I can choose a last wish, I want the last thing I see to be her. With a slight smile on her face, with which she returns to me. "I don't have much time left..."
"Don't be like your father and try to trust me a little," she suggested with that beautiful smile. I wanted to believe her. So much. I just doubt she would break her own rules and come up with some crazy plan to save me. I'm not that special. Her principles are much firmer than mine.
"Maybe there are things even you can't change."
"My, my… look who suddenly came to believe in fate." she stroked me gently with her icy fingers. In contrast to the hot sun, her touches are so pleasant. "You have no idea what I can change if I want to, just a teeny bit."
"But this sounds like something you'd have to transcend your own principles for."
"Are you worried about my principles now? Didn't we just talk about how hypocritical my family can be? And if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm not going to let anyone, or anything put you at risk. I don't care how creative I have to be..." I want so badly to believe her as she smiled sweetly and assured me of what she would do. But people are what they are. And in its essence, it does not change. One of us is lying to the other. And more than the idea of death and anything that was after it, I was horrified by the discovery. When I find out which one of us is telling the truth, because I can't leave it. I know that for sure. And I can't force her to sacrifice anything for me. I don't want her to go against her own beliefs. "I'd start by forcing you to sign a new contract in the red file."
"And how are you going to force me?" I asked with an equally light smile. What can be a single contract change?
"I think we missed lunch. That sounds like a good start to me and then… well, it’s been some time since I’ve checked Lemford."
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