Her mother is still alive. That's terrible and the only thought I woke up with. And I can't get rid of it. Although I try to remind myself someone tried to kill me just a few hours ago. I should at least get angry, it's kind of personal and I should do something about it. Solve it somehow. Someone tried to poison me, I could have died. Athran could lose its king very quickly. But all I can think about is her mother. Aeli'neth - the mother of us all, on the spiritual level, of course. Elizabeth - her mother. Jonathan's wife. She's alive, has been all this time. She never died. She just left. She left them. And I saw her yesterday, although I only remember a fraction of that meeting. She was there. That is… something I can't deal with.
Andrea knew about it and didn't even mention it, she should have told me a long time ago, I should be mad at her. Except I can't, not because of her mother. I tried to understand why she didn't tell me. I'm still trying to. Even if she doesn't like her, she could have told me, I would have understood. Wouldn't I? I was able to process her relationship with Emmett, the fact that she's dead, and her reluctance to deal with all the official formalities. This is a little detail in comparison.
She can't get along with her because she betrayed her. More than anyone. I understand. But that has nothing to do with me. I just want to help her. Help her understand I'm not going anywhere. I won't disappear like her. How could she? I thought their Immortality held them together. And makes them Serve the Light together. At least that's what she said, isn’t it? Or does it only apply to Heirs? But then why would she say that service is waiting for me too? Is that why she's so afraid of me leaving? Because she left?
It only makes sense to me until I don't think too hard about it. And I can't do that anyway, because I have a terrible headache. And it is not the only one. I feel terrible. It's so much worse than a hangover. It's just like if someone tried to kill me and I survived. Pretty awful feeling. One I didn't ask for.
"Did you sleep at all?" there's no way to tell if she's tired or not. Not from the way she looks, she's always beautiful, under all circumstances. She is sitting next to me, dressed in a shirt and trousers with that determined expression of hers, ready to leave. She could have gotten up a few minutes or hours ago. And I wouldn't know it. Unlike me, her shirt is almost never wrinkled, her hair always obediently stays where she wants it and she doesn't follow the division of the day according to meals or anything else ordinary. It's just if she feels it's necessary, she's ready. For anything and everything.
"Someone must have been watching over you." she sounds tired. “And I wouldn't be able to hold the spell if I fell asleep. Probably.” she added. It's quite surprising, I would have expected she’s the one with some method that could help her not concentrate on the spells. Day or night, she doesn't care. Which brings me to why it's so dark in here. The curtains are tightly shut, the sun has already risen and is trying to bathe the mountains in its rays and I can't even see it. "I didn't want the light to wake you up." sounds almost guilty.
"It never wakes me up. So why should it now.” I grunted and laid back on the pillows. Waking up in a dark room, without that beautiful view of the mountains annoys me. It's so disgustingly ordinary. It also helps me realise how terribly I feel - really sick - the view from the window could distract me a bit.
"Are you still angry?" she asked quietly.
I just woke up, I have no idea what time it is and what awaits me. How should I know if I'm angry? She lied to me. And I'm not even sure I understand her reasons for doing so. Maybe it's just too soon for me to get mad. I should be angry. That's how it works, right? She lied and I'm supposed to be mad until she apologises or something. But when do I do something just because it's meant to be?
I moved to pull her closer. "I'm still angry," I kissed her forehead and squeezed her even more. I just want to believe she has a good reason. She must have it. "but just a little. It's never easy with you." I laughed softly. I want her to stay here with me a little longer. We don't need to rush anywhere right now. As soon as I get up she disappears and we both go back to our work. And I don't like that. I want to stay here. Just for a moment.
"I'm sorry."
"About what?"
"I'm sorry you think I don't trust you." I looked at her confused. "We keep coming back to it, I don't want you to think that.” I don't want to think that either. It would be enough if she just stopped giving me reasons to do it. "You have to understand some secrets are not just mine. Not many people know the truth about my mother and,”
"And you want it to stay that way. I understand." I kiss her again, this time on the lips. "Like you, I'm sure you understand we wouldn't have gotten into this situation if you'd just told me. If someone is going to try to kill me, I'd like to be the first to know." I answered calmly. My logic is flawless in this regard and she damn well knows it. These secrets of hers only add problems we don't need. “Promise me, An.”
"Fine…"
"It must be awfully late." I looked at the window and frowned. I raised my hand, ready to pull the curtains apart when I realised I can't. "Can you?"
She didn't take her eyes off me for even a second, a bright light illuminating my face as the curtains moved and the mountains finally appeared. She performs all her spells seemingly without any effort. I envy her so much. Old magic is quite different in this respect. I don't have to use equations for everything, but in this particular case I would at least have to wave my hand. I just don't know how to do it any other way. It's all about imagination. I know that much, but still. "It's not that late, you'll still have time for breakfast." she rolled up her sleeve and showed me the watch that she had clipped onto her hand in a very unusual way. I can only guess why she needs to control time. It's a little after nine. It's too late for me, while it's still early for her.
"I think I'll skip breakfast." I shifted on the pillow and put my hands under my head. I don't find the idea of breakfast appealing, quite the opposite. I'm not even particularly attracted to the sight of hot coffee, although I'm definitely going to need a few cups to wake me up. "I have a meeting with the Council this afternoon."
"No, you don't. I already talked to Basil. It'll be tomorrow.” she announced with her eyes fixed on the white ceiling. Avoiding my gaze. But why? She normally looks at my eyes, purely because of the colour, she can't stop talking about. "I need to know how you feel. And fine isn't going to cover it. You have to elaborate.”
"You talked to Basil?" I asked, completely taken aback and frankly terrified. She usually stays out of my business. "What did you tell him?"
"That you have a terrible hangover and want to stay in bed all day." she said with a completely serious face. I propped myself up on my elbow to get a good look at her. She wouldn't say something like that to him. Could not. Her gaze didn't change a bit, but she wouldn't do that to me. Right?
"You didn't tell him that." I guessed.
"No," she confirmed with a laugh. "I simply asked him to postpone the meeting so I could spend one more day with you all alone as your fiancée." one more day? She decided to stay an extra day? I kind of expected she would want to go back to the South as soon as possible. To keep an eye on her people and the ongoing border conflict. That's why she's dressed because she was talking to Basil, not because she's about to leave. That is great. It makes the whole morning better than snow-capped mountain tops.
"Aren't you leaving today?"
"No, not today. I need to make sure you'll be alright first. And the fewer people who know about yesterday's incident, the better for everyone.” she tore her gaze from the ceiling, brown eyes finally returning to me. I know this look of hers, she evaluates every unkempt strand of my hair, every movement I make, my breath - if it happens to be too violent or vice versa, everything that would tell her how I feel. "You didn't answer my question. I really need to know.”
"I still can't do magic." I want to try it, but I have no idea what would actually happen. I'm already sick, it can't get any worse. Although… remembering yesterday I quickly convinced myself it could be a lot worse. All this hotness and then waves of cold. And the pain. No, thanks.
"No, not yet."
"I'm fine," I took off the blanket, slowly sat up and stretched. To my surprise, every muscle hurts. Not terribly, but enough for me to feel it. And then there's the horrible headache and the uncomfortably persistent feeling I'm going to throw up. "I still have a headache, but all things considered I'm fine. You do not have to worry" the only one who can worry here is me. Because in the end it's me, the one of us who can die. For good, and after yesterday it's clear to me that I don't need that much. One glass and that's it. I should start paying attention. Or hire more people. That would probably work too.
"I hate when you lie." she sighed sadly. I seriously wonder if she can tell. Like, because she's an Immortal. Not that she knows me. Does she really feel it? What if it really hurts her? "Of course, I need to worry. If I’d talked to Jonathan for a few minutes longer, everything could have been different.” she looked out the window. The weather looks surprisingly good today, like I'm in the mood to go somewhere.
"You know what would made it so much easier? If only you had told me.” I snapped angrily. How am I supposed to be careful about something I don't even know about? And why didn't she warn me in the first place? Instead she brushed me off like an incompetent child. That really pisses me off.
"You wouldn't listen to me." she replied boredly. I have no idea where she gets the assurance I wouldn't. The problem is she can't explain to me what she actually wants from me. She always gives me incomplete half-truths. And that's just the way it is, so do it. And I don't see the point. I walked over to the door. “Steven, don't do anything,” she snapped with her hand out to me. Her icy composure is gone, she is more than worried. Almost scared. After I just stood up. What the fuck happened? "just be careful until I get back from the shower."
"What do you expect to happen to me here? Will I trip on a straight corridor? Shall I stab myself with a letter knife? Scald myself with tea water?” I laughed in disbelief and left the bedroom. Seriously, what's at stake here? Except that at the end of the day I'll be a bit older and closer to the inevitable end of my own life. But she wants nothing to do with it. So what is she complaining about? And what really scared her so much? She saved me, just like she did every single time before. Everything went back to normal. She does everything and I follow her and don't argue.
I sat back down at my table after making hot drinks for us. While I waited for the water to heat up, I thought about breakfast. I'm more than sure I should eat. What I'm not sure about is if I could keep breakfast in me long enough. So I gave up. It will be much easier for me.
I picked up the first papers on the pile. How the applications are taken so quickly here is a mystery to me. Every day new and new requests and yet they are all exactly the same. I opened a folder to add this request to a bunch of others. "I'm still alive." I left the paper without signing it and closed the folder. I don't plan to fill this out. "You have tea on the table."
"Ever so funny." instead of tea she reached for a glass, poured alcohol in it and drank. At the same time, she looks out the window and frowns at the flawless blue sky. The view from here is just as perfect as the bedroom, so what's not to like about it. There isn't a single cloud in the sky she can complain about. And unlike her, I don't have to look at a piece of a wall of the opposite building.
"You have mail here." I announced. She turned to me as if I had snapped her out of her thoughts. Instead of repeating it, I waved the letters at her. One with a small blue seal is waiting for her on top. I'm not sure if it's from Remis or Darien.
"Where did you get those herbs?" she asked after I put the letters away again. She doesn't show the slightest interest in them.
The mug on my desk is still smoking. A few leaves float lazily on the surface. I paused at her question. She never asked anything like that, but I can't remember if I ever made this drink when she was here with me. Its strange, sweet smell takes me back to my childhood. I know this scent well, but I can't match it to anything. The light aroma of herbs masks something - some fresh, fruity smell. Something that makes the whole drink so much more appealing.
"Father brought them." I finally answered. "Why?"
"He was here?" she raised her eyebrow in surprise. Only one, that's a sign of her honest surprise and also of the fact that she can't even raise up the other one.
"Do you think I would have had time to talk to him in the five minutes you were gone?" I laughed in amusement. If he came and wanted to talk about yesterday, he would still be here. I'm sure he has a whole host of comments and criticisms. For example, how much attention I paid to An or the fact that I basically returned the crown to him and added hers to it. I also managed to piss off Cormier and Du Champ, along with Galleren and he probably doesn't even approve of my speech and we both should have stayed there until the end… yeah, there's a lot, lot more than for a five minute talk.
"Did he mention what kind of herbs these are?" father is dangerously well versed in all plants that have some effect on the organism. But that doesn't explain her questions. Will she now ask me about the contents of each mug? All I want to drink and eat? She is usually not suspicious. And I would stop enjoying it pretty quickly if she started doing it. I need at least a few minutes of normality a day. A moment when I'm at home without a crown and reminders that someone should try to kill me. When it's just me and she's not the Heiress, just An.
“Why do you care so much? It's just a few dried leaves,” I reached for the mug. The leaves are still floating on the surface. They are small enough to be swallowed. I'm not a big fan of that. I should pull them out, but then I'd have to go back to the kitchen for a spoon. Like an ordinary person, and I don't want that at all. "I've been drinking them for years. It's just some herbs that grow here in Athran.”
"And you never thought to ask." she stated angrily. “Put that mug down, now.” she challenged me sharply. Is she serious?
"I didn't have to ask, he told me several times. I just don't remember.” I returned in the same tone. Why can't she calm down a little? "What's your problem, An?"
She appeared next to me, stopping me with her hand before I took a sip without warning or explanation. It's starting to be annoying. She took my mug and sniffed its contents. I wait for her to take a drink, instead she puts the mug down on the very edge of the table. Like I just can't stretch. "You can't drink it, Ryhel is in it." she simply announced. Her explanation isn't worth much, as usual.
"And it bothers me because?"
"Because it's bloody dangerous!"
“An, if you tell me even my own father is trying to kill me, you're going to really piss me off.” I dropped the pencil I had just picked up and looked at her angrily. She looks at me in silence. I wonder what she's thinking so hard about.
Not trusting him is one thing, but she can't question everything he does. And she can't think he would try to hurt me. That's exaggerating. He may be acting like a jerk now, but he's still my father.
The headache moved to my temples, I should've stay in bed and lie quietly next to her. That would make me a lot less angry. “This is just some tea.” I countered with feigned calm. I need her to calm down. I can't argue with her while thinking about the horrible pain. One thing after the other.
"The tea you drink when you're tired or downright exhausted after some complicated spell to make you feel better?" she asked in an unpleasant tone. Basically she hit the spot, even now I was hoping it would get rid of my headache. I am used to it.
"A tea I’ve been drinking for several years and nothing has happened to me." I insisted.
"How can you be so sure? Among other things, Ryhel is highly addictive and you don't even remember its name." she instructed me condescendingly.
"Anything else I should know?"
"Well, since you're asking, you should probably know that Ryhel is the forked leaf in the Jethro family crest." she explained it perfectly to me again. I shrug. “Twins, Steven.”
"Perfect, just fucking perfect!" I stood up sharply. Which I immediately regretted, I should have moved damn slow. “So you really think he wants to kill me? Are you kidding me?"
“But I never said he's trying to kill you. At least not consciously.” she walked around the chair and put her icy hands on me. “You don't use old magic and neither does he. I, on the other hand, cast a spell or rather a curse on you last night." she looke at the mug and then back at me. Something about being around her makes me calm down, I'm always calmer when I'm with her. "I told you I had to keep an eye on you."
"What is Ryhel and why is he giving it to me?" I asked angrily. Not that I don't have my own doubts about my father, but lately they've somehow increased. Straight exponentially. And she adds more and more.
It is as if she has decided he is responsible for everything that is happening. And I can't accept the idea. I don't believe he's a traitor. He is my father. I always wanted to get closer to him, to match him. Should I reconsider everything? I've been focused on the one thing for so long… what if I'm just like him?
“It is one of the ancient herbs that spread here from the east of our continent, primarily from what is now Narral. For a while, it seemed it helped mages to concentrate better, it was easier for them to control their abilities and things like that. It thus became the subject of research and several side effects were found. Smarter mages rejected it.” she paused as I gritted my teeth. I can ask her directly what the side effects are, but why? If something is going to kill me, why not a damn flower. Just yesterday it was poison.
She took my hand and dragged me to the seat. "Short-term use did not threaten anyone, long-term use began to manifest itself in pain and affected power. After some time and more research, the only advantage left was that it helped draw magic, which made it faster and more efficient. Even for those who have no abilities at all. That is why it is forbidden in Zessia.”
“Sounds like you're describing Riwon.” I said, exhausted. I just woke up and I'm tired again. From all the arguments and accusations that are brought against him. From having to doubt him. "It does a lot more than just soothe." I'm trying desperately not to think about it. I try not to count how long I've been drinking the stuff and what it could have done to my body.
I leaned my back against the pillows and covered my face with my hands. This is even worse than what happened yesterday. The fact that her mother was alive could only trump the fact my own father is against me. Now he can't even make excuses for getting crazy, he's been doing this my whole life. So he's just crazy. He manipulates me like everyone else.
Maybe I'm just another toy for him. Just like Emmett. I'm just a slightly better model because I took his crown. But unlike my brother, I don't do what he tells me. I mean, I think so. But what do I actually know? Until now, I believed I had my own opinions, but do I?
“Steven?” she lightly touched my hand. I shook her off me, probably because she scared me. Or because I don't want her hands on me. She will try to placate me with stupid arguments I don't care about. She always tries to sound reasonable. And it always works. Mainly because she's right. Constantly. It's so annoying.
This has nothing to do with reason. His behaviour crosses all boundaries. He doesn't care what other people think. He always does only what he wants and others have to adapt. Mother keeps her own opinions to herself, Luke doesn't argue with him just on principle, even Emmett submits to him. His almost perfect successor. I had to adapt to him. Submit to what he wanted. I've always tried to. And as long as it made sense to me, I didn't have a problem with it. But I have my limits I will not cross. Until recently, I thought those are his limits I took from him. Limits he had long since outgrown. What the fuck is wrong with him? Where it's his, you mustn't choose the easiest way. "I need to talk to him." I took my hands off my face.
"You can't,"
"I don't even know why or for how long!" I interrupted her. Rage won me over. "For all I know, I could be a regular person by now! He’s insane!”
“Steven, I'm,” she tried to reassure me in her steady voice. How else. She must know she doesn't stand a chance. Her Heiry concoctions don't work on me. I don't want them to.
"I want to hear his explanation!" I stood up again. Just as violently as before. And just like before, it's not the least bit pleasant, but screw it. Father is the only one who can answer this for me. Who owes me answers. She may know him well and for a long time, but I need to hear it from him. I need to hear that Andrea is wrong. I want him to say it.
He is not a traitor!
I walked past the aquarium and waved my hand in space.
Nothing happened.
In the space in front of me, there was no crack, no hint, nothing at all. My thoughts wandered in all directions. I haven't even had a drink yet. What the fuck happened? I bit my lip hard to at least focus on the pain. It doesn't work that fast.
I couldn't lose my powers that quickly, could I?
I repeated the motion much more slowly. Something happened this time, the clear line didn't appear as I expected. A sharp pain shot through my hand. As if the magic in it didn't want to cooperate. Like a spasm, it has contracted the muscles and does not want to let go. I cursed. Confused, I looked at my own hand, loosening my grip and stretching my fingers when it finally dawned on me. It's not father and his madness. It's me.
I have to start laughing. Of course it can't work, that's what she's been trying to tell me all this time.
"I just wanted to tell you that you can't get to him now unless on foot," she explained with a smile, on her way to me. "but you just don't listen to me." she hugged me without further comment.
“I'm just an ordinary person right now, aren't I?” I pulled her to me with a sore hand. I've had enough of it all, I can only laugh at it. As an ordinary person, what else could I do.
The only relatively normal part of my life that doesn't change is her. At least I sure hope so. I want to stick with the idea that my life only works if she is a part of it. Because without her, everything falls apart. I can't even hold myself together, I need her for that.
“No, even under these conditions you are neither ordinary nor human.” she assured me with a smile. "I'm not saying he’s not insane, but I know for sure that he wouldn't risk anything that could endanger you, let alone take away your power. I don't know the exact effects of Ryhel, Riwon, whatever you want to call it… And I don't know what dosage is safe, but Ed does.” she gently caressed me with her cold fingertips.
I want to believe every word she says, but it's so hard. I already have new doubts. I want to tell myself I am not mistaken, that my father is the best person I have ever known. Better than Jonathan and his brothers. But I know that's not true. His heartcold decisions convinced me of this when I was a boy and his uncompromising demand for obedience did the rest. All I can hold on to is what he repeats so often. I do everything for my family. But that's not true either. It can't be. He does it for himself.
"In extreme cases it can rob someone of their power, completely, but that applies to those mages who use ancient magic. And for it to apply to someone like you, you'd have to drink at least a liter of it every day."
"You're strangely certain of that." I remarked teasingly. She’s usually right, but I'm pretty scared of her making a mistake. It will be disastrous.
“I'm sure of a number of things.” she agreed. She let go of me, dark eyes began to examine me anew. She stepped unsteadily and stepped back. "I'm sure he believes he's helping you. His protection knows no bounds and he doesn't care how many people he gets involved with and how many of them he hurts. He's gradually crossing all the lines, I can't let him go too far. And I think I'll need your help to stop him."
"What do you expect me to do, Anie?" I asked almost scared. It's not just an ordinary request. This is either I'll stop him with your help and you can say goodbye one last time or I'll do it myself. "Do you realize what he means to me?" it could be summed up as - everything.
"I hope you can help me find a way to stop him before," she scowled like she does when she doesn't want to tell me something. "you have to understand something first." she finished after a moment of tense silence.
"Understand what?"
“A Dun'Amanh.” now I frowned. I'm getting lost in it again. "You have to understand how to get there. The place exists outside our world, but Stephan felt it should be anchored here." she waved her hand, a bright blue wall cut through my living room. This explains the name Barrier, it is a giant, insurmountable wall full of magic. Well… I didn't quite picture it that way.
"One option is to go through the very wall in Quasnaw, but that's inconvenient. Especially for those who aren't Immortals." she approached that wall. Cautiously, she held her hand out to it, a convincing illusion, but still an illusion. Even though it seems so real, it draws me closer.
"Can it kill you?" the thought of going through it doesn't sound very appealing to me. But touch it?
"Quite easily." she thrust her hand into the blue wall and pulled it out again, clenched into a fist. "It's hard to prepare for what awaits you. The dead are calling you to them. They're begging you to join them. And you have no reason to refuse, not when you're going straight to them. It seems real enough, but what will kill you is exhaustion. The onslaught of all the power on your body would be too much. If you don't know how to let it pass through."
"That's a very nice prospect."
"That's why we had to come up with another way. For the likes of Thalus or your father. Not that we want them walking around the place, but circumstances sometimes require it. We created something like a door or rather a portal." she slowly drew a canopy in front of her with a dot in the middle, a rune I can't name. "Atta symbolizes power," well, that's the first time she's really tried to explain anything to me. She continued with what looked like a joined X on one side. "D'alh is the rune of death," and a double-crossed T. "Lei determines the place."
"You want me to remember them?" I asked. She silently examines the runes in space.
"It's up to you if you want to remember." she finally looked at me. She's been really nervous all day and I don't really know why. It worries me. "The runes are like a key. Just stand in the right place and the door will open." the blue wall in front of me did just that. Not all of it, just a small, square hole appeared. Andrea motioned for me to come through with her.
A new illusion awaits me behind the wall. Not quite what I expected. It's some sort of study, the desk buried under the notes and the tall column of books to the side indicate that quite clearly. Oh, and there's a giant stone frame into which someone very carefully carved numbers around the perimeter. Which I don't think is crazy at all. But it's not the weirdest thing, I know this place. Dark walls and strangely carved panelling. It's a weird combination of several styles, and I've already thought about it once, but when. Where? It was with her. And pretty far. “This is the dirty city of the south, Dira'K.” that's why I find it so disgusting. I just don't remember this huge… what is it anyway? "Teyber's job?"
"Yeah, sort of. Teyber is trying to create his own door like this using equations. Which is something I couldn't even imagine should work." all illusions around us disappeared.
Andrea reached into her pocket and slowly handed me a piece of blue paper. "I found it among all of Valle's papers. I…" even slower than she hands me the paper, I took it and unfolded it. I know exactly what kind of paper it is and the blue wax with the wolf embossed on the seal doesn't help much. "I was hoping he was trying to trap him or somehow gain his trust or what do I know." it's just numbers 7, 13 and 6. I never thought that a series of numbers would scare me like this. It is not a date or an amount. It's a piece of equation that my own father sent to a complete maniac.
Maybe he's just looking for new friends. With his new approach to life and decisions that will soon endanger us all even more than before, he probably needs someone to at least talk to him. I will need some convincing myself. "Are you sure it's his letter?"
I know it is. It is his paper and his handwriting. There is no room for doubt. "He didn't even try to deny it, he thinks it's an insignificant piece of paper."
He didn't try to deny it? Did he just confess to her? "When?"
“As soon as we got back.”
"That's what you fought so much about. It wasn't about me at all."
“It's always about you.” she made me sure. “But I was much more angry about the letter than your torn up shoulder.”
"Why are you telling me all this now?"
“Because I want you to keep the letter.” it'll only make me doubt more often whether he can be trusted. Doubt who my father really is. "Yesterday, Stephan finished his work on Teyber's research and sent me another message. Teyber’s little puzzle misses the one piece you're holding in your hand. At the same time, this piece of paper is currently keeping Edgar alive and is also the only tangible evidence against him. And I can guarantee that when Stephan and Damien find out about it, they won't bother with jail."
Three numbers? That's all they need to get rid of him for good. The threats about him losing his power or freedom are pretty mild in comparison. Three numbers and my father dies by their hands.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with it? Should I hide the piece of paper in my desk and hope her uncles don't ask me about it? "If this is the only evidence, how do you know I won't just burn it?"
"I don't, Steven. And that's not the point. You want to get rid of it? I'm not going to stop you. As long as none of us have the letter, it's just word for word. I need you to know you can trust me. I have to find a way to stop him and I need your help."
“I couldn't hurt him.”
"Steven," she returned to me again. She caressed my face, I don't like this conversation one bit. I don't like that she wants to stop him. I can't help her with that. I do not know how. If so, I would have done it already.
"I can’t…"
"I would never ask you for anything like that. I don't want anything like that to ever happen." she rested her head on me. More precisely, she buried her face in my shirt. That's one thing that doesn't change. She just belongs to me, despite all these problems.
"I don't want that to happen either, but I don't know if I can help you." I added softly, almost in a whisper. "He's my father. He always will be." if I hadn't been so tired, I might have jumped right into devising a plan. I would try that. But whether it's exhaustion or the weight of all the new information, my head is completely blank. And it's spreading. There is nothing I can do to stop him.
I told him to leave it be, I asked him to. And he doesn't care. I can tell him what the Heirs are going to do and he won't care. He only believes he has to protect me. And I don't need it.
An is the only one who gives me hope this all makes sense. That we can move somewhere and achieve something together. But I can't do anything with him at all. I don't want to do anything because I'm afraid of how it will turn out. I'm afraid he'll do something I can't forgive him for.
We just stood there for a while. In the middle of my living room. Before I let her go. Right after I talked myself into letting her go. We can't stay here all day, just standing like this, but what if I can't do anything else, what if I don't even want anything else.
There is only a limited amount of time I can escape from my own thoughts. When I could force myself to think only of her. About her insanely long hair, about her beautiful smile and condescending explanations, all of it. And it doesn't really work now either. I'm starting to realise what it means hers 'be part of my crazy world'. It's insane in every way. And it turns out to be excruciatingly painful. I don't want to lose my father in any sense of the word and I have no choice. With or without the letter, it's already decided. I'm losing him by the minute. He gets away from me with every terrible decision. And I can't stop it.
“You have to eat.” she announced suddenly.
"I'm pretty sure I don't.” I'm not hungry and just the thought of food makes me sick. So I can skip it. I don't think I can hold anything in me for long enough.
"I didn't give you a choice." she replied on her way to the kitchen. She surprised me with that.
She never cooks and always complains when I do. Well, maybe not always, but it feels that way to me. I don't even know if she can cook, I can assume she can - she can do everything - but I'm not sure. And I can't say I want to risk it right now. "Can you cook?" I asked just to make sure as I sat down on the bar stool and watched her cut the fruit without her having to touch it.
“I don't enjoy it, but I'm pretty good at it if it calms you down. I knew someone who really enjoyed breakfast and made me learn to prepare it." another pile of fruit flew into the air and landed in the prepared bowl. "It's awfully mundane and tedious, if I’m to judge." I'm starting to get the feeling she doesn't plan to touch anything, she does everything from a safe distance of the opposite worktop, on which she sits with a glass in her hand. This is a rather strange approach to cooking. "Besides, I feel like preparing breakfast is not such a difficult task."
"No, it probably isn't, but," I stood up before I ran out of patience with her. I can't stand it "can you at least do it right?" I asked, pulling a knife out of the drawer and handing it to her. I don't cook with magic either. Then it's no fun at all. And it also annoys me to just watch it, unable to engage in any way.
"Right? It's just breakfast," she jumped off the worktop, took the knife from my hand and put it comically far away. Probably so I don't get hurt by accident. "go sit down." she commanded.
And she thinks she's going to order me around in my own apartment. In my castle, in my country! Well that's great. I jumped on the worktop, just like she does, before I looked back at her she was already stuffing one of the bowls of little blue ucca berries into my hand. They never tasted good to me, I find them unnecessarily sour, staining my fingers, among other things. I should tell her before she makes me eat them. She doesn't notice me at all, though. Buried in thought she picks up one thing after another, from a safe distance, of course. "What did you and Luke talk about yesterday?" I put the bowl aside. I wonder what they were laughing about together and why he is suddenly so excited that I want to marry her. He hadn't been outright against it before, but just yesterday he seemed enthusiastic. After their conversation, when he congratulated me and generally behaved in a brotherly way. Which is suspicious.
Andrea turned to me with a raised eyebrow. "Why are you asking?"
"Because, among other things, I wonder how you can talk to him so easily. And what did you say to him that made him act nice and show any interest in me at all."
"Well, if you're talking to him in that tone..." she folded her arms, gave me an angry look, and immediately laughed. “I know Luke can be annoying, but I also know how to treat him so he's not.” something rose up behind her, it looks like some kind of pot. What is she trying to do? "I've known him for a really long time. And I like him."
"Why bother?" it's more of a rhetorical question. I can't say I don't like him, but I can't say the opposite either. We just sort of exist in the same family. He usually on the other side of the table or room. I don't need to argue with him like Emmett does and he sees it the same way. It doesn't really matter to me, I still have a second brother who I mostly get along with and like.
"Just because he's your brother." as if I haven't heard this a hundred times. "He actually wanted me to talk to you about George."
Why would he want something like that? "Why?" I freaked out, she totally shocked me with this. Why is he throwing it at her? And why would he want to talk about him? Why would she want that? Why would anyone? "I thought he would work for you, not the other way around."
“Hmm… why would he want me to talk to you, when you are unpleasant only at the mention of him… it's a mystery, Steeles…” her sarcasm stopped entertaining me some time ago. Especially this early in the morning - not really early - after a few hours of sleep, I'm still tired from everything that happened yesterday and she keeps adding new things to it. I need a break, a few days to come to terms with everything, but she's already got new problems ready. That's exactly why I should have stayed in bed. I could have laid there silently with her in my arms. But I had to get up. What an idiotic decision.
"It's not just my fault, my dear brother is a piece of…” I stopped myself. I'm more interested in what she wants to talk about than Luke and his personality. I should be happy to avoid talking to him and ‘George’ is always an interesting topic for me. Not so much for others, they act as if talking about him might tarnish his memory. Perfect and untouchable. But what do I really know about him? "What does he want you to tell me?" she handed me another bowl that I didn't ask for. This one has some white dices in it of who knows what. They smell like strawberries, but it's something else. It's her strange habit, she doesn't like the food from other parts of the world, but prefers their fruit. I pit the bowl next to the first one. "Did you even know him?"
"Of course I knew him." she came back to me, put her hands on my thighs. “I know he was your brother, strictly speaking, but you should know he was a bit of an asshole.” she said in all seriousness. She caught me off guard with that. Most people don't talk about him so openly, and Andrea always chooses her words carefully. Especially when she thinks she might hurt me. But I didn't know him. So how could I mind any of that. He is just a shadow to me, almost lost in the past. A shadow I had to match in a competition without rules. He was the firstborn and perfect. I'm fourth in line. And I don't think I'm bad, but still.
"And this is what he wanted you to tell me?"
“No, Luke cared about him. Like he really and he cares about his memory just as much. So much so he wouldn’t approve of the beginning, but" she turned. She was occupied with something in the pot for a moment. Finally she picked up two bowls, placed them on the bar counter, and waited in silence for me to join her. She couldn't have chosen a better subject for breakfast, but she could hardly spoil my taste. “Luje thinks Edgar is afraid of what you will do because of George. That's why he freaks out so much. And I think he might be right."
"I don’t understand." I grunted angrily. If she wants me to eat why is she bringing it up now. I dipped the spoon into the mash decorated with colorful pieces of fruit in an overly complicated order. She put them together by color, starting with the white cubes and ending with the dark blue berries, any other morning I would have liked it. Now it seems too perfect for breakfast. Like everything she does. "An, if you want to explain something to me, start from the beginning at least once, please. I don't have the desire or energy to figure it all out." I decided to put the spoon in my mouth. It tastes much better than I expected, the sweet mash has absorbed the taste of some spices. I just have no idea what kind, I should start looking more into it. People around me seem to enjoy adding something to my food and drink and I never stopped to think about it. "Do you understand that most people see him as a hero? What bothered you so much about him?"
"Well… he was very clever like all of us and quite funny. At least that's what he thought of himself. He was a perfect combination of both Edgar and Vivian, both in appearance and in his demeanor. It was horrible." she started off quite cautiously, it will change any minute. She has to remind herself it was my brother, I know she does. I just don't care one bit, except for the label, it means nothing to me. I never met him and never wanted to. According to everyone in my family, he was absolutely perfect, beyond compare. So why bother, I would never stand a chance in comparison. Emmett always says so. "Luke adored him, he was an older brother to him who he could turn to at any time. Thalus, on the other hand, didn't like him very much. Stephan hated him,"
"What? Why?" I interrupted her. I don't know much about Stephan, but I imagine him as this wise old man. Probably incapable of hatred. He must be so old he has risen above all petty arguments.
"He downright despised us because of who we are. He couldn't get along with us or submit to us in any way. And all our decisions were bad in his eyes. He didn't like the penalties we enforced for breaking our rules. And when we skipped those and things got out of control, it was our fault because we didn't stop it. He always found a way to blame us. For absolutely everything. And Edgar supported him in it." she rested her spoon on the side of the bowl and looked at me. "They were so disgustingly inseparable, George had ambitions far beyond our laws, if it were up to him he would have left everything in the hands of the Senate. Ideally he would have run it himself and still had the nerve to say he was doing it for his father."
“Yeah, he sounds a bit like a jerk.” I dipped the spoon into the mush. No wonder he didn't like him when he tried to take his power away. The heirs are ice-calm, only until someone challenges their authority and reaches for their power. "But what does that have to do with me?"
"I'd get to it. His idea of how we should run everything was pretty skewed, but that's not to say he wasn't an important part of it all. He was really smart, like Emmett, an excellent strategist and a really good fighter. He loved fights, maybe too much. He enjoyed it, but in such a bad way. I'd almost say he enjoyed taking someone's life. He could be unnecessarily cruel and cold-hearted. As if he liked to show people he holds the power over their lives." I pushed the bowl aside. Andrea pushed it back, apparently I hadn't finished my breakfast yet. Sometimes I can't even say she's bossy, she's just… old.
"He couldn't help it. He was looking for conflicts. He needed a challenge to overcome." she tossed her hair angrily. "You know, we were all there back then, up in the Senate, I mean. Me, Jonathan, Damien, Edgar… even Thalus and Stephan with Luke. We all agreed not to attack. It was better to wait, for all of us. They would come to us… and he agreed to it, he had some complaints as usual, but he agreed. It was decided. And an hour later he was standing on the battlefield with our army, surrounded by enemies on all sides."
"Were you in that battle?" I thought no one was there. It sounded like George was the only one who could fight less than two hundred years ago. Apparently, the Hales aren't the only ones who like to edit the past.
"It was more of a massacre than a battle. Stephan and Jonathan took care of Edgar, and it was up to me and Jim to get our people back. Which was worse, or so I thought, before I realised what had actually happened. I never understood what got to him. He must have known he didn't stand a chance. We didn't stand a chance either, to help him, somehow turn the tide of the battle. Nothing." this is definitely not the version I know. Ours just stick to him being the hero. That's where it starts and ends. "One decision changed everything. It sent us into a horrible spiral, and it kept escalating and spinning over and over, his death showed everyone how perfectly vulnerable we are. How quickly one bad decision can send us down. It set off a wave of questions and accusations. I assumed Stephan or Damien would try to pin it on Edgar, only to get the Heirs out of it, we were all very angry at the time, well, everyone except Jon. It was just George's decision and we all knew it. And there was nothing we could do about it. Suddenly it was just too late for anything. He got himself killed and all that was left was a disaster. We held on to keep it from getting worse. But in the end it was Vivian, she put all the blame on Edgar. You know, she could have blamed Stephan because he was leading the whole thing or me because I was supposed to be leading the charge with George behind my ass and I wasn't there. But she didn't, she put all the blame on him, her own husband. At the time, it felt like a backstab to me. Of all people, she should have been on his side and she couldn't even do that. It's her only job.” she starts to get upset again.
“An,” I want to stop her before she pisses me off too. "she's still my mother."
She scowled at the mush in front of her, dipped a spoon into it for the first time in a while and popped it into her mouth. She repeated it several times. I joined her. I'm a little afraid she might somehow force me to eat. "I meant it turned his whole life around. I honestly expected him and Vivian to be over. He didn't even let Jon in for a while. But after he took his son's example into his head, he started to claim we had too much power and started his whole rebellion… Even before George got killed, Edgar had the same privileges as we did. He was one of us without becoming an Immortal." she put her spoon down and folded her arms. "It escalated very quickly. Not that Edgar never showed an interest in Athran, but it wasn't until after his death that he became obsessed. He was trying to pick up what was left of his family. And who knows why he decided his own legacy would be the answer. He turned our own words against us, our people… Jonathan refused to vote and without all four votes we couldn't proceed. We couldn't go against Edgar because Athran is under Jon's protection. So this stupid thing came about his seat in the Senate… he'd always been our closest ally. He just wasn't one of us anymore, not like he used to be." she shook her head sadly. I'm sure she thought the same thing I did - if he's betrayed them before, what's to stop him now? "Then Emmett came along and he couldn't come to terms with the fact he had his own head. I don't think Emmett ever fully understood why Edgar was treating him the way he was all this time. He finally had to admit he couldn't be his successor. And then you showed up."
"I have my own opinions." I dare to protest. If she compares me to George or my father, we will have to have a serious talk about it.
"That's exactly the problem, that's what Edgar is afraid of. He couldn't stop him and you're just as stubborn. You don't listen. You do things your own way. I don't want to say he's right, but if you look at it from his point of view, I guess we shouldn't be surprised he freaks out so much. For him, it all repeats itself. If you think about it, he only had an inkling of where it would lead with George. Now someone showed him. Made him experience it before it could even happen. And I think from his point of view, it's just something he's taken for a fact and he doesn't care there's a huge chance it's not going to happen. For Edgar, it's happening, right now. In his eyes, you are getting closer and closer to death and he can't see anything else. He's too afraid to lose you.” she frowned before adding. "But that's just my point of view. You'll have to talk to Luke anyway. I might know what happened to George, but not how it affected Edgar outside the obvious.”
I don't see a single reason why I should. She already told me the important thing. Unfortunately, it makes perfect sense. Dad is afraid I'll do the same crap and so is she. She is so determined to leave me alone, work things out, and then come back to me like an obedient puppy. I mean, she acted like that before she gave me a single piece of evidence against him and told me to do whatever I wanted. It's pretty clear to me why she gave me the paper. She’s afraid of what she would do with it. I'm starting to worry about what I'm actually going to do. I could just take it to Stephan and wait to see what he comes up with. "He won't tell me anything new, just remind me this is my job and not his."
"Well, why does he remind you?" that angry tone again. I'd almost say she's on Luke's side. And I lived in the belief she didn't like him. “Steven, he may be hard to get along with, but think about why. Even when he was little, it was clear he would never lead any of this. People can say anything, but without magic you don't stand a chance and it would destroy him. He stood in Emmett's shadow and now he's in yours. And he never complained! Neither of you ever thought to look at it from his point of view. George was as important to him as Emmett is to you, maybe even more so. They grew up together, literally. Side by side. You think you're so smart, but it's Luke who hasn't screwed up in all that time in the Senate. Just stop being like a child and talk to him. He's your brother and he cares, dammit.” she jumped down from her high chair and gave me one last angry look with folded arms before walking away.
After breakfast I returned to work, took the first contract and a clean sheet of paper. I take notes on almost every paragraph, not that they are needed. Just need to adjust a few little things. The conditions for exporting wood are so boring I almost forgot about everything else. Only a headache and the soreness of the rest of my body reminds me.
"Darien lost several units on the way to the mountains. Niocalsen's students saved them from complete failure." she summarised the contents of the letter. She put the paper down on the table and frowned again. She's not smiling at all today. I don’t like it.
"That's terrible, does he write anything else?" I looked up from my own messages.
"We were expecting losses there, but not that heavy. Dishonests joined earlier, probably because of what we did in Bal'rez." they did? Why did she use the plural? She was there alone. Or does she mean her and father? And Cat? I wonder if she missed anything important on purpose or if she just missed. She wouldn't kill her. Certainly not. If only because of Emmett. “You'll have to enlist your own students, just like me.”
"Probably, I thought about it, but they're still just kids." they are sixteen, maybe seventeen. Some are eighteen or nineteen. They are not soldiers, although of course they are trained to fight. What chance can they give the soldiers?
"I know. But every one of my units has a mage with them, and with the number of units you have, you need more mages." everyone in both of our countries complains about how many mages there are, but it's only in war that it always turns out we're desperately short. Not everyone who can lift an object without touching it can be considered a mage. "I believe we'll stop them at Alryne and they won't cross the borders of Athran, but when I saw them at Dryhelm… they're awfully fast and won't stop at anything. Well, maybe fire… those students might give you a chance to get out of there."
"Andrea, I will not trade my life for the lives of some children. I would never even think of such a thing." how did she come up with it in the first place? In any case, it is the responsibility and duty of both of us to protect others, especially children. Not the other way around.
"Yesterday is a clear indication we need a backup plan. This is where all the fun ends. You want to be a part of everything… Steven, if something happens to you and I'll get back alone, I…" she ran out of words. She brushed her silky hair with her fingers. "I need to know nothing will happen to you." she finished. Her behaviour worries me more than words. She clenched her fists until her knuckles turned white.
"I thought you believed we could make it together."
“I believed it until it seemed like an ordinary war.” she sounds calm while crushing her fingers in her palms. I'm not sure why she does this when she's nervous. It looks incredibly painful, her nails are quite long and she always digs them in so deep. "I don't know what the Twins will come up with, but it won't be pretty. I'd ask you to stay away from the battlefield, but I know you won't."
"I won't do anything like that. They want you, not me." I rolled up my shirt sleeves. I picked up the pencil and started twirling it between my fingers. I'm not interested in more pain, but I have to occupy myself somehow. "Do you know how much easier it would be if you didn't have to worry about me dying?"
"Because I was completely mortal when I spent so much time with him… completely involuntarily… I would always have to worry about you. Just like you worry about me." she replied calmly. I narrowed my eyes. I never told her I’m worried about her. Not directly. Not in this direction. "Don't look at me like that, you never saw me come back. And my body probably isn't worth looking at when it's in a pool of blood. What guarantee do you have it works? Maybe we just made it all up."
"You are my guarantee, you are a terrible liar." I put my pencil down and examined her with a look. How can someone who knows every lie be such a terrible liar? "That spell can't fail, it will protect me."
"Everything can go wrong. Maybe I should show you the family crypt." that's a great point of view, overly critical. "Besides, it won't work. They'll be at Alryne in two weeks, and I don't have time to make you an Immortal." doesn't have time for what exactly? Why can't she just explain it to me from start to finish?
"And if we had the time, would you agree?"
"No." she answered immediately, not even thinking about it.
I looked at her again with a stony face. “I don't need your approval to do this.” it's not a question. I want to check, but I know I'm right. She said they had already voted and it was three votes against one. Even though the last one is hers, their vote carries equal weight in this.
Andrea angrily released her own fingers from her grasp, slowly folding her arms. The glass she had left on the table rose, the alcohol in it was refilled and obediently followed her to the balcony where she had headed. This is perhaps the first time she has completely run out of arguments. But I'm not done yet.
She is standing there with her back to me in front of the huge mountains. She managed to light a cigarette before I came to her. That means it upset her more than I thought. "If you don't want me to do it, just say so." I picked up the glass she brought and drank. The strong whiskey warmed me up nicely, it doesn't make what I want to tell her any easier, but at least it's good. “Just look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me to do this.
She turned to face me. She looked straight into my eyes, just as I asked. Now it's either yes or no. Everything depends on it. My whole future and how I see it. "I can't. It's forbidden."
"What?" I frowned in confusion. I didn't expect that, I thought my question was clear and she could only answer yes or no.
"I can't tell you what I want you to do. It's all a matter of choice, it has to be something you want. No Immortal can influence you. I can tell you what will happen if you choose to do so or vice versa, but not what I want. Not even Jonathan can tell you that. Those are the rules." she leaned against the railing. Exhausted with her answers.
"These are your rules now. You can change them." I suggested. I need to know what she wants. But she laughed in disbelief and shook her head.
"Are you suggesting I break the rules that have held my family together for centuries, that have laid the foundation for the world around us? Rules I have followed all my life?" she let the cigarette burn without taking a drag and straightened up. I'd say I pissed her off, but at least her nervousness is gone. "Not only am I not going to change the rules. I'm going to make sure others respect and follow them. Including you." she took the glass from my hand without taking a drink and put it down. "You like your independence and want to make your own decisions, I get that. You were raised to do so, just like me. That's why I know you're not ready to obey my orders. Once you become an Immortal, you won't have a choice. My will, will be your duty. And that's why I voted against it. You're not ready for this. However, your guess is correct, I can't stop you. It's your inalienable right because you're a Steeles." her haughtiness returned. She acts like I go against her every request. I clenched my teeth. "It's up to you if you want to die once or a hundred times. That's what you wanted to hear, wasn't it?"
That hurt. I'm not at my best, but I feel this comment of hers the most. It's no, just much longer, more comprehensive and more evasive. More comprehensive and detailed. And it's not really because of me either, it's just about what she is afraid of. “Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to hear.” with a sigh I leaned against the railing as she leans. I want to be by her side, in all circumstances, even here and now, and she doesn't want the same. She wants to put me aside and deal with everything. She wants me to stay with her, but not to be like her. And I have a feeling Immortality does not play such a role in it. She's afraid I'm just like her. “You're not making it easy for me, An.”
"And you don't know yet I'm leaving tomorrow." again and without me. She is going to disappear because she believes she has to and of course it doesn't concern me.
"You're leaving, where?"
"To Aet'Reon," the western continent? To Querishi's continent? "I'm not going after him." she added as if she knew what I thought. "I have to pick up a… package there, in quite a different part." another explanation that tells me nothing. She's really good at it. She doesn't have to lie, this general information is enough for her. I don't know what she's planning anyway. "I'm telling you this so you know that by the time I get back, whatever you need, Jonathan is here for you, and maybe Jim."
"Will they both be here?" I turned to her in surprise. Damien is always by her side. She's already explained to me she isn't able to work with Jon for very long, but she doesn't mind Damien. "Are you leaving alone?"
"All three will be here, but you probably won't be looking for Stephan. That would be rather strange, not that he wouldn't give you better advice than the two, I just don't know how you would find him." she smiled. "It's my continent, you know. And I'm old enough to take care of myself." I don't think age plays a role in that. "Shall we go back inside?"
"Go alone, I'll be right back." I turned to the mountains. The snow-capped peaks glisten in the rays of the spring sun. Athran can look stunning when given the chance. Only usually looking at the mountains calms me down, now it's not working. I feel helpless.
The ruler of one of the most powerful countries has no idea how to get his life together. Just yesterday it seemed well planned. I would marry her, join her eternity, both Athran and Zessia would flourish with us at the helm. It's a perfectly simple plan that collapsed like a house of cards on the first blow. And that it's pretty windy here. So much so that it made me go back inside to hide.
Andrea must have noticed the wind too, she is heading towards me in a long white coat with my coat in her hand. "Dress up." she handed me the clothes on the way to the door.
"Are we going somewhere?" I asked suspiciously.
"I think you could use a little distraction," she stopped in the doorway, kindly waiting for me to catch up. She nodded to Cayden and Aron at the door, as did I. "and besides, it's almost time."
"Time for what?" with her guard in tow, I followed her down the corridor to the stairs, through a long hall full of people taking down decorations, through a welcoming hall where all the remaining visitors bow to us, and into the first courtyard. "I thought you didn't know your way around here." it amazes me how confidently she makes her way.
"Steven, think a little. Dithune Castle is almost eight hundred years old, I'm five hundred, and Edgar moved in a hundred and fifty years ago. What are the chances that I don’t know where I want to go." she laughed, grabbed my hand and added to her step.
"And where do you want to go?" I laughed too. I like this distraction. We're almost running along the ramparts where we've turned off the main road and headed straight for the gardens on the side of the mountain. It was my father's absolutely crazy idea to build the gardens in this very place, and thanks to magic, it works flawlessly. It just needs constant care and keeping it green costs a lot more than it should. "Gardens?"
“Mhm… in this whole cold place, it's the only usable one.” she took me past one of my father's statues. There are countless of them throughout the castle. Small and large, they decorate absolutely everything. I slowly began to get rid of them, very slowly. Everyone has too many excuses when it comes down to it.
"The only usable one? It's my home, woman." I admonished her with a laugh. I love this castle, even if it has a lot of competition from Nerkam at the moment.
“I know, I quite like your bed too, but,” she finally slowed down, by a tall tree with dark green leaves. The trunk is lined with benches on the sides. "we met in similar, equally green gardens or have you already forgotten?" I stopped right next to her. As close as it gets.
“How could I forget the day that changed my life forever.” I pulled one of the long strands out with a learned move. That makes it even more perfect. I could never forget that day at Alryne. I didn't even want to go there and when I left, nothing was the same. All she had to do was turn to me with an unruly strand of hair I thought made her absolutely perfect and everything changed. I have never felt anything like it before or since. I've never wanted anything more than to be with her.
"...changed my life forever." she said quietly. "That sounds serious..." without taking her eyes off me she bent down to get something. And she straightened up again. "Don't you want to sit down?"
My gaze drifted to the little thing in her hand. I want to ask if I have a choice, but I've changed my mind. "You know," I chuckled softly. I gripped her hand tightly, spinning around her without letting go. I raised my hand with the dagger and put it to her throat. I pulled An closer to me with my other hand. "I don't like it when you point that thing at me." I whispered in her ear.
"I can't say the same." she whispered, seductively. Sure, she doesn't care if she's alive or dead. I let her go so I could turn her back and kiss her. This is the moment that makes it all worth it. A small moment when I'm really happy.
I sat down with a smile, she joined me. She checked the watch on her wrist, it’s almost noon. "It's time." she turned the dagger in her hand and slashed my palm before I could ask anything.
"Ouch!" I jerked my hand. She didn't let me go, calmly hiding the dagger back. Meanwhile, I watched my blood flow out of the thin wound. And she claims to be worried about me... she didn't even warn me. "A little notice?" she let a few drops of my blood drip into her hand.
"For what." she laughed. I don't find it funny. I looked at the small wound. I'm already sick. Not that I mind the sight of blood, but I just don't like this. She is evil. I deserve her to take care of me today, not slicing my hand. “Now please be quiet.” I didn't want to say anything, I'm waiting for an apology, which I won't get anyway. She managed to cut deep enough to make a small pool in my palm and it stings pretty badly.
“Atta un-Taya.” she said to the blood in her palm. It didn't even take a second, the liquid was instantly set in motion, transforming into a glowing ball of light before it even rose from her hand. And it disappeared in a cloud of bright white light. No hint of blue. Father once explained to me its a good sign. I was about sixteen and I really didn't care. I still don’t because I don't know why I should. “You never cease to amaze me, Steven.”
"It's nothing you don't already know." I guessed. It shouldn't surprise her, it didn't surprise me. And she knows everything.
"Exactly the opposite." she grabbed my hand and made all traces of the injury disappear. How she does it still remains a mystery to me. She just lets the wound heal, sometimes a scar remains, sometimes not. I do not understand. And her explanation makes about as much sense as everything else. The world works completely differently from her point of view. “I know you're Steeles and I know it means the same as being Hale.” she checked my hand and raised her dark eyes to me. "It's just that I never thought we are so much alike. Although it makes perfect sense."
"If you say so," I grumbled in disappointment. What good is it to me that we are similar if she doesn't want us to be the same. This part still hurts the most. I wished she wanted what I wanted as much as I did. Damn, I still wish for it. "And did it help you in any way?"
“More than you think.” she raised her hand and drew the first rune as she stopped. "If it hurts or makes you sick, stop me. Otherwise, keep it shut." she drew two more runes. The first reminds me of an S, only it is not rounded, the second looks like a bent F, and the third resembles a triangle with a dot. That's the best description I can come up with and if I ever said that out loud she would never stop laughing.
"What are these runes?"
“Setta, Lei and Atta.” she explained, pointing at them again. "Since when do you care about their names?"
"I don't know, from now on?"
She looked at me in disbelief. I have no ulterior motives, I'm just genuinely interested. I should learn it, if only to understand what she does. And she keeps saying I should know them. "Close your eyes." she ordered suddenly. I listened just to prove to her and to myself I could listen to her. "Calm your breathing, don't think about anything. Just focus on my voice."
“I love your voice.”
"Didn't I tell you to shut up?" I always liked her voice, so calm and composed. And perfectly melodic. It's not hard to focus on something like that. Although I can't help but add her face and that sweet smile. "Concentrate on the silence around us. No one is here. There is nothing else. Concentrate. On the darkness that surrounds you." her voice is the only thing that stays with me.
I can't see or hear anything else. “See the emptiness inside you.” I clenched my hands. The environment around me changed frighteningly quickly. Gardens, trees, warmth. Everything receded into the background. Where did everything go? I grip her hands again but I can't feel it.
I want to feel her hands. Cold. Icy, like everything around me. I can't feel them. I'm not holding her. I'm here alone in the middle of nowhere. I gasped in the darkness. I want to look around, but it's no good, she's not here with me and yet I feel her presence. I hear her voice. At the same time, I am completely alone.
"Keep it around, it's not hurting you." leaving it around is easy to say. And how does she even know what I'm thinking? Being in such a void is not pleasant at all. My heart is beating wildly. My breath is so fast I don't know how to slow it down. I want out of there with every cell in my body. I hold on so I don't start panicking or worse, screaming.
“It's just there, just like you.” yes, I can confirm that. It's everywhere. Around me. Hugs me and seems like it won't just give up on me. It almost suffocates me with its presence, it is everywhere and nowhere. I am everywhere and nowhere. "Breathe in and breathe out. Focus on it." inhale and exhale. It's harder than it seems. I'm breathing too fast to remember those words. Inhale and exhale. When I tried to teach her, it wasn't that difficult. Just inhale and exhale, that's it. Just like on Lemford. Just like I've been doing all my life. Like I focus on it during training. It's just inhaling and exhaling.
“When you're ready, open your palm.” open my palm, I can't even feel it or can I? Inhale and exhale. My hand is in the grip of something cold. Inhale. Seriously cold, but not unpleasant. Exhale. She holds me. It has to be her. It's a coldness I've grown accustomed to and welcome into my life. Especially in the South, where otherwise everything is hot. It's more tolerable with her there. Everything is more bearable with her. Even this empty darkness. I hesitantly loosened my grip and straightened my fingers. Her voice gone, I opened my eyes, even without her command. "How does it feel?" she asked excitedly.
How does it feel? I stare blankly at the ball of light in my hand. It's a ball similar to her golden and warm one. This one gently pulsates in my hand and offers no pleasant aura. It doesn't have the same comfort and peace in it. Just that bright light. Which just appeared without me doing anything, without thinking about it or having to focus on it. It's just here. It makes my forearm tingle, but it doesn't hurt. It's a new, rather strange feeling. "It's not pleasant, it's not unpleasant." the orb does exactly what I want, its intensity waxes and wanes as I desire. "It's simple..." like breathing. Inhale and exhale.
“Such is old magic.” she laughed softly. "I wasn't sure if you could do it the first time, but we really aren't that different. It’s simply a part of you. If you put your mind to it, you could change everything around us, just like I can. Just please don't try it yourself.” she smiled sweetly. I have no idea how to try it myself. I don't know how she led me to this. I have no idea how to use the old magic. "I know you want to hear I need you to change for me." her cold fingers closed my palm. The orb disappeared into the void. Almost as if she controlled it and not me. But it's my power, I'm sure of it. ” But it's not like that, Steven. I don't need someone with the right name by my side or an Heir with another shiny crown, all I care about is you. I just need you, the way you are. That decision is only up to you, it's your life and your choice whether I like it or not. I just can't let you go and you can't ask me to watch you die. And it doesn't matter how many times."
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